Part 7: Day 7: Section 1
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A VM expressing the pangs of love felt by Arnav
Nenjodu Cherthu (Malayalam)
Rough translation:
Let me hold you close to my heart and hum a song,
You are the melody of my song.
You are the image that blooms in my heart, unknown to me,
The picture in my eyes when they are not seeing you.
Come to me, as the raga of this song,
Give to me, the colours of this picture.
I will give you a heart overflowing with love,
Where have you vanished, leaving me with tears in my eyes?
Let me hold you close to my heart and hum a song,
You are the melody of my song.
When the wish to see you flutters its wings in my heart,
You caress me with the soothing breeze of your love.
My eyes can see only your face,
My dreams hold only the colours of your giving.
Don't leave me and vanish, far away from me....
Let me hold you close to my heart and hum a song,
You are the melody of my song.
All the poems I wrote for you,
Have bloomed like Raag Hindolam on your lips.
The depths of the ocean, the fury of the rain,
Hold only your sound for me.
The shadows of my dreams
Carry only your breath for me.
I am looking for you near me...
Where are you?
Let me hold you close to my heart and hum a song,
You are the melody of my song.
You are the image that blooms in my heart, unknown to me,
The picture in my eyes when they are not seeing you.
Come to me, as the raga of this song,
Give to me, the colours of this picture.
I will give you a heart overflowing with love,
Where have you vanished, leaving me with tears in my eyes?
Smita,
Here is the interpretation to Section 1 of Part 7.
It is said every action has an equal and opposite reaction, popularly known as Newton's third law of motion, and this is what this update is about. REACTIONS in general and RIPOSTE in particular.
As Arnav sat looking at the sweet face of Khushi, in the arms of Morpheus, curled up under his blanket after an eventful day, which had seen bringing Di back from the hospital accompanied by Buaji, he noted that the clock showed that it was day seven. He was racing against time and it was his own doing, insisting on a contract marriage that has boomeranged. Buaji who had come with Di, had taken Khushi in a bear hug, commiserating with her on the day of her parent's death anniversary. Khushi had been silent all evening helping the others take care of Di. Every time he had tried to talk to her, it had proved to be elusive as the sea-line far due to the demands of the rest on their time and by the time he could get into his room she was in deep sleep. Looking at her calm yet vulnerable face, he acknowledged with a pang under all the jocular talk she was a very serious and a tired soul. At a very young age she had become wise beyond years due to her sufferings and fears, the realities of grief offered by the life. Even though it would time and again haunt the places in her mind, her capacity to see the beauty of life had helped her to bear the weight of her tragic childhood apparently with ease. Her fine poise was admirable. A small smile played on his lips, to see this beauty in deep slumber who had come to mean the world to him. As he remembered that it was day seven, the smile got wiped out. He had only seven more days to make her change her mind. He wondered what made him specify time frame for marriage. It would have been a service unto himself if he had just forced her into marriage without adding the time frame. But for all his shatir dimaag, he had to specify it as a time bound contract! It had backfired! Now the same clause that he had used as a cloak of protection had become a mill stone around his neck. By adopting an ostrich strategy of choosing to ignore the problem in the hope that it will resolve itself or disappear will only make matters worse. He just had seven more days to convince her otherwise. What if he failed to do so? Will she be willing to give him another chance? It hit him like nothing else could. It was a trilemma that left him on a sticky wicket. He recoiled at the thought of Khushi leaving him and it was not at all an option. His reflection that she couldn't leave him, as she loved him as much as he loved her and she couldn't live apart from him any more than he could, gave him some sort of comfort. He paused to collect his thoughts, reminded himself of his avowed intent of showing his love to her when he felt. He thought, by his actions and deliverance of his thoughts, he would be able to counterbalance the credibility gap that she feels now. He would make her understand how much he loved her and needed her in his life. These thoughts helped him to come to grips with the situation and ushered him to act. Snatching the car keys he made his way out.
Khushi feeling something soft and velvety touch her cheek, wondered if Laxmiji was again resorting to her bad habit of stealthily getting into the bedroom and nibble on people and things. Fluttering open the fringed curtains of her sleepy eyes, she saw that it was not Laxmiji but a jet red rose making her eyes dilate in reflex. As her gaze steadied she found that the rose was held by a familiar hand. Her eyes slowly ascended up the hand to rest on the bewitching caramel eyes that was gazing into her. His whispered, Khushi, had her sleep wash away and made her enquire whether he was feeling fine. In answer he thrust a bunch of red roses into her hands. Khushi looked at the roses and at the clock. Noting the time she looked at Arnavji's face. In reply, he told her that was for her, as though she had expressed her doubt. She was caught unawares and asked what happened, when she could form words. Arnav asked her in a voice that was authoritative and commanding, is it necessary for something to happen for him to give roses. Moving her eyes from him to the bouquet, she inhaled their scent deeply and expressed her appreciation with a soft thanks.
When Arnav called out to her and began to say that he was wrong to force her into marriage, she silently listened to him. He told her that she had nothing to do with Shyam and she was innocent. He had believed the pack of lies that Shyam had fed without even trying to find the truth out. His anger, the situation, Di.. As he was voicing out, Khushi trying to soft pedal the issue, told him that it was alright. But refuting her retort, he tried to apologise saying that she was blackmailed by him into a marriage of six months and he had tried to make her life a living hell. He had been extremely angry with her... Khushi could not comprehend the way this talk was oriented to and trying to steer the conversation from entering into dangerous waters she told him with levity, that his anger was not something new to her. He had always been a bear with a sorehead, ready to bite her head off. She was used to taking flak from him. Seeing her smile at what she was saying, her attitude that it was of no consequence, made his eyes go bleak and say that it was not alright. It was wrong on his part to let her take the brunt of the anger of their families alone when she was not even aware of what she was being punished for, by him. She could have lost her life falling from the terrace that day, if he had been even a little bit late. Recalling the scene his face blanched and feeling the need to touch her he cupped her cheek. Khushi felt a frisson run down her spine now sensing where the conversation was leading to. Feigning sleep with a yawn, pushing his hands away she said, that it was all over. It belonged to the past and can she go back to sleep? He replied, no, she can't. Now receptive to her feelings, he said, at Buaji's house, when she was describing her wedding to her friends that was far from the reality... with a voice filled with pain he stated that he took away all her dreams, did he not? His contrite face made her sigh, placing the bouquet on the nightstand and echo his words, that did take away all her dreams. Arnav felt like a heel for burning all her dreams to ashes. Heaving out a deep sigh she made a rejoinder, that they were just wishful thinking, never meant to turn into a reality. That is why they are called dreams. Her dreams were just that and nothing more. Does he know what they were? She had fantasized that when she met a man she would want to marry, it would rain flowers accompanied by procession with the band and the fireworks, stars and lights glowing brighter, an occasion for joy and laughter, all the stuff the fairy tales were made off. Her words were like sharpenels that entered his very being and the realization of the repercussion of his hasty action made his face ashen out. She proceeded to say, does he have any idea what would have happened? It would have been her parading in front of some boy, in a forcibly worn saree at the insistence and help of her sister and her friends, entering the hall with a tea laden tray and serve them samosas, sweets and tea. It was a kick in his guts to paint Khushi being given a look over by some other guy than him. Arnav was irritated enough to wring the neck just by the thought of the imaginary boy and he didn't need her to paint such a picture. Unaware, she carried on painting the picture saying, that Buaji would have pulled the pallu over her head! With a laugh she asked him to imagine such an absurd scene. Arnav's eyes slightly crinkled with laughter seeing her laughing countenance. She delivered a wisecrack with, when on a normal day she could not even walk straight without tripping, what a sorry picture she would cut balancing a tray with sari and pallu! It would have ended up with the tea on the boy's lap and instead of flowers it would have been a profusion of profanities that would have been showered on her. The boy would have been subjected to fireworks from the scalding tea and Amma and Buaji would have taken her to task, vented their spleen out that would have put any band to shame and she would have seen stars at the very first thump she would have received from her Buaji! By the time she finished her narration Khushi was rolling in laughter! Arnav did a double-take at her reaction and even he had to chuckle at her words. She told him that's what her dreams amounted to and he need not feel bad about it. She smiled at him but inwardly was sending fervent prayers to her Devi Maiyya to not to let him pursue the subject. Whom was she kidding! It was Arnav Singh Raizada. He was persistent if not anything, worse than a dog with a bone. He did not let it rest. He persisted saying, at their marriage, he had pulled her roughly up along the steps of the temple. As she had said, it was a wedding with just the two of them. There were no witnesses, no purohits, no rituals... Khushi hiding her sigh, smiled at him reciprocating with his long back thoughts, why was all of them necessary for a contract marriage? After all, the marriage is tantamount to just a deal. He had made an offer with the terms and conditions and she had accepted. It was just a legal contract that bound them for a stipulated period and in this case it was for six months. At his protest that it is a marriage... she forged ahead to say that it was a contract marriage with a set of conditions that she had followed. So where was the place for dreams in a business deal. At his continued protest she laughed out and came out with a response asking him was that the way he cut deals? Did Mr.Arnav Singh Raizada mix deals with dreams?
Realizing that she was trying to ease out of the marriage, without much ado, countering all his moves by shooting salvos as not to let any serious discussion take its root, but take a tangential route without touching the topic, catching by her arms he shook her. He could not let her get her way on this matter. Cornering her on the bed and in a voice that was cold and dangerous, he probed, so their marriage was just a business deal for her, was it? Khushi, trying to bail him out of his tense mood, made light of the situation, smiled and retorted with a playful chide, for having read too much into their hasty marriage and for making a mountain of a mole hill said, that it should have been so for him too. Arnav's eyes burning holes through her, countered her argument with, where was it written in the contract that she had to risk her life to save his? Not once but twice she had done it! Khushi, unable to withstand his intense stare that was filled with silent rage, tried to skitter her eyes but in vain. In a knee-jerk reaction, giving her a thorough shake he asked, was it in the contract that she had to commit suicide, paving way for him to have a life with someone else? Khushi was unable to keep her eyes on his glaring countenance. Arnav increasing his firm grip on her arm, challenged her to look at him and tell him on his face, that she does not feel the thumping of her heart filling her ear as he nears her, that she does not feel breathless when his eyes are on her. As she wondered how he was aware of her vibes, she tried to get away from his grip. Once again trying to play down the implication, she rebounded saying, those were of no consequence as she squirmed to get out of his grip. He was fuming mad to hear her say, not important, and asked her, then what was important? Managing to free her arms, she slid back in bed. She told him, paying back in his own coin, that what was important was his work, his business, Amanji... Her words made Arnav stare in disbelief as if he had heard wrong. She continued to say, his Di and her future, his family, his life here, his peace... Listening to her list he gasped her name. Staying on course, unheedful of his reaction, hugging her knees she told as though giving tit for tat, in her life her Amma and Babuji, her Buaji, her Jiji were important and it would be lived far away from him. Then he could get his peace knowing that she would not be there to fall into his arms and spoil the perfect fashion show as she had once done. She would not be there even to mar the happiness of his Di or her life. His own words were being resonated back to him. Beaming at him she said that she too could breathe a bit easier knowing that she was not going to be shouted at or have her arm twisted.
Arnav haunted by remorse and jarred by her reverberating words apologized to her for the hurtful words he had thrown at her a few days back. Her smile did not waver. She told him that was a closed chapter. Shyam was in the past and it was better to dwell on the future. In a desperate plea Arnav asked her to marry him. Khushi felt herself teeter-totter, by the impact of his words. The very ground she was on seem to shake with the waves of tremors. Even then, she maintained her poise with a smile. With a slight frown burrowing on her forehead, she queried as though to confirm what she had heard was not a figment of her imagination, again? He wanted her to sign another contract? He confirmed that she had heard the marriage part correct, but hastened to add that it as not a contract marriage, a real one that was meant to last their lifetime, with all the flowers, band and baraat, lights and stars, her dream red and green lehenga, their families, her friends, saat phere, purohit... in toto, everything she ever dreamt of. He waited in bated breath. Khushi was tremulous and his words poured upon her like a trembling flood but still smiled while she said, people after marrying once and regretting, refrain from committing the same mistake. But he, who never wanted marriage, now wanting to marry twice? Moreover, to the same girl? Her contrary reaction to what she had wanted earlier put him on pins and needles. When Arnav grabbing her by her shoulders, insisted that he was serious about wanting to marry her amidst their families, Khushi too countered that she too was serious when she says she does not want to marry him.
At Arnav's protest she started to list out the reasons as to why she would be unsuitable, beginning with her craziness and nutty behavior, being poor with middle class mentality. For Arnav the pain behind her words was like the bitterness of dissolution and her smile was a slow poison eating his insides. It brought in with it revulsion to his deeds. Khushi got on with her list saying, one with loose morals, a slave of money. Hearing all the words that he had spewed out in anger, Arnav's apology seemed a pathetic attempt to his own ears. In his intense anger, a blind rage, unable to see the signals indicating that it would be appropriate to stop he had responded to other emotions, sadness, betrayal with angry words. Instead of grasping the case from all sides and not respond immediately to a stimulus, time and again, he had given in to his instincts. When the need of the hour had been to defer judgement, he had hauled her over the coals. Right then, he could kick himself for being such a nincompoop as he knows the basic truth that one has the ability to choose one's reaction! Khushi cheerfully moved ahead to say, that with a low class mentality as hers, without any status, bad position, weird behaviour, prudeness, bad English.. Khushi was stopped by Arnav placing a hand over her lips to silence her. Shaking him off Khushi kept on rolling various reasons for her not being fit for the post of his wife. She warned him, that she was dangerous and unworthy of him so much so, that he ran away from her on Diwali day only to announce his engagement to Lavanyaji, eventhough he was reluctant to be clubbed with her, choosing the lesser of the two devils. So saying she laughed, while Arnav being in a tight spot, broke out in cold sweat. She laughed hard saying, he had tried extremely hard to fight her charms, as though she was the very persistent cold he was trying his level best to avoid. Seeing Arnav's misery, Khushi with a laugh, as a compensation told him that, he would be a terrible husband for her, for he was not crazy enough for her ways. Too educated, too Laad Governor, a British left-over. He was too serious for her chirpy ways. He considers her as an onerous duty, a bundle of crazy burden. His anger, razor edged tongue... Arnav not able to listen anymore, blurted out Khushi, I love you, making Khushi peer at him with curious owlish eyes and come out with a snappy comeback what is love? That was a loaded query, where, if Arnav tried to explain, it would put him in a quandary. Whatever he would describe love as, was in sharp contrast to his deeds and would be unable to justify. If he kept mum, his declaration held no meaning. Innocent Khushi, gullible Khushi, Khushi who time and again was reminded that she does not possess enough brains, smart as a whip, posed the question, what is love?Khushi has left left him in a double bind, a Catch 22 situation. What a place to be in! Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Arnav Singh Raizada has been outwitted by a simple query by the small town girl Khushi Kumari Gupta, Singh Raizada for seven more days as per the conditions prevalent. It is interesting to see how Arnav Singh Raizada would extricate himself from this double bind!
For Arnav Singh Raizada, his shatir dimaag turned out to be the stumbling block in his love life! For Khushi Kumari Gupta, Singh Raizada for a wee bit longer, his shatir dimaag proved to be a blessing in disguise giving her arsenals, to anticipate as well as counter his every move.
"The Law of Karma is also called the Law of Cause and Effect, Action and Reaction and: as you sow, so shall you reap"
~ Sham Hinduja
That is why this is titled RIPOSTE.
That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.
Smita,
Here is the interpretation to Section 2 of Part 7.
This update is about reason or purpose. Hence it is titled Raison d'etre.
Why have I titled it so?
It is because a person's raison d'etre is their purpose or reason for living. It's why they do things.
In French, raison d'etre literally means "reason for being," and in English it means about the same. Someone's raison d'etre is the most important thing to them.
As Arnav heard Khushi question, then what is love, he was at a loss for words to describe his notion of love. He looked at her beautiful face. Her cautious eyes, and her smiling lips were conveying two different things. Her nosepin glittered catching the stray beam that fell on it in the dim night light. Arnav opened his lips to answer her hoping the words would flow from it, for he was a man of few words. Moreover, words came to him with great difficulty and that too right words at the right time was a tough proposition. He wondered how to answer her! As Khushi reclined on her pillow, he noted that her face reflected her inner fear. He observed the fear on her face, the rapid movement of the pulse at the base of her throat, her heart beats seen by the rhythmic movements of her ribcage, her breathlessness... He saw the eagerness to hear his answer written in her eyes, so also was her fear of what his answer would be. This was his motivation. To put her mind at ease was the rationale behind him opening up to her. It was also the need for absolution in her eyes.
The words fell from his lips of their own accord. His explanation began with, when he first saw her, it touched a chord in his heart. His heart tugged at the beauty before him. His words were out of blue for Khushi and made her stare. He continued to say, that her eyes, her tremulous lips, the feel of her in his arms... were all getting stamped in his heart. Images of their meeting in Sheesh Mahal filled the air between them. Arnav disclosed that he was angry with himself for finding her attractive. He thought she was there, as a part of a plan of subversion, to spoil his event. That was the reason he was angry with her. Moreover, it was Sheesh Mahal where he had witnessed terrible tragedies in his childhood. The place itself was a mausoleum of bitter memories. When she spoke of Di's wedding getting cancelled, she had struck a raw nerve, wherefore, he had lost control as her words brought in bitter memories that he had tried to forget and had shelved in a far corner of his memory. It had added fuel to the flame. Arnav dropped a kiss on her hand and pressed it to his heart showing her how precious she was to him. He told her that all he could do, was think of her all the time and he had never undergone such feelings. Her thoughts had occupied his mind so much that it had distracted him from his work, a phenomena that he had never encountered earlier. Khushi, gently nodded trying to see from his perspective. Then, came the dargah incident. The more he tried to push her out of his mind, the more she appeared before him. He was unable to grapple with the queer behavior of his mind and his heart. Both were at loggerheads. While he was glad to see her, he was angry with himself for feeling glad. He was also angry with her for gladdening his heart with her presence. Arnav buried his lips in her palm, while it quivered in his grasp. He told her that on account of not being able to get her out of his head and could not punish himself, he did the next best he could. That was to punish her. That was the logic of his belief, that punishing her was the right thing and he had punished her. By airing the clip, his aim was to push her away. His warped sense of righteousness had not taken into consideration of its consequence on her. He never thought that it would lead to upheaval in her life. All he wanted was to retaliate at her verbosity, quelch her guts. It was to make sure that she never came anywhere around him. As Khushi looked at him he confessed, that he had got back to Delhi to work, to his family, his safe haven! He had thought that he was safe and was justified in doing so. And when she had rammed her scooter into his car he just could not believe his eyes! Again her presence had him in turmoil giving him the needed excuse to push her away.
He had tried to push her away once more and then she had turned up at his office. The more he tried to send her away by using contract, making her life impossible, the more firm were the roots of thoughts on her getting entrenched in his mind as well as his heart of which he had no inkling then. Khushi waited for him to continue. At the photoshoot, he was so captivated that he had to resort to punish both her and himself by pushing her away. And then came the night in the rain at the carpark.. He was unaware of what was happening inside him. He was feeling all crazy due to the unknown feelings that the thought of her evoked in him, that her proximity provoked him to. His whole world was being consumed by her thoughts and actions. This had never happened to him before eventhough he worked amidst beautiful women. The night at the guest house she had fainted. He had hurt her. As he stood with her lying in his arms, he could let himself look at her to his heart's content, freely, without her being aware of it. It was as if the world had been given to him and the world held just the two of them, a man and a woman, two free people, free of their pasts, free of expectations, free of the world and all its bindings. So saying, Arnav cupped her cheek, even now feeling, that in his private world that they were the only two who existed and that was what he was craving for. Moving ahead he told her that he had not wanted to take her to her Buaji's house. He had felt like taking her to a world of their own, where they could start all over with a clean slate.
Once he had opened up his heart, words came to him fast and furious, his anguish, and his panic making him cross the threshold and share his feelings with her. He stated, flying away from all the cares and be just the two, was what he could not do for he was Arnav Singh Raizada, and she was Khushi Kumari Gupta, on whom he had no claim. He gave her a glimpse of his principles. She had a family waiting for her. So the only thing that he could do was what he did. He took her to her house and laid her on her bed that had stars hanging all over from it. He had not wanted to leave her there, but he had no other option. Saying, when he was leaving, he paused. Khushi looked at him with a curiousity as to what he would tell her and when he simply said, that she had pulled him back, her eyes opened wide. He enlightened her saying, that she had her fingers curled around the lapel of his jacket, as though his feelings had felt an echo in hers, that night. He told her that she would never have the idea of how hard it was for him to leave her there. Kissing her forehead in an effort to comfort her as well as deriving comfort from it, he said that as he stood outside by the window, he had watched Buaji tender to her wounds with such loving care, making him realize that she had people who cared for her, loved her and he had left the place feeling bereft, carrying just the hurt, her broken bangle had given him, as he hurt her.
Cupping her face with his palms, he said that when she gave the resignation and left, he was extremely annoyed, as all she had shouted at him were though true, he had not wanted her to go. He had wanted her in his office for the remaining two weeks and he was looking forward to seeing her. He was beset by her thoughts at all waking hours and in dreams too, giving him no respite. And then, on Teej, she had dashed into him sprinkling him with sindoor and his eyes were glued on to her. Seeing her stand in front of him was by itself a bonanza. It was as though his secret wish had come true. Seeing her, he had fervently hoped that she would not get a rickshaw after the pooja, that would give him a chance to drop her back home. Saying, but.., he paused. Khushi felt her mouth go dry, as dry as desert dust. He carried forward his account of all his feelings saying, that evening, at the temple, he had carried her to the bench after she had swooned and revived her with water. He was unaware of her keeping the vrat. Even when she was angry with him, for breaking her fast before the pooja, he was so engrossed in watching her, having her near him, his heart had soared feeling as though it was the homing in of somebody dear to him. This feeling, of meeting after a long time sprouted in him, even though they had met that morning. If he could, he would have made the time stand still, and all he wanted was for her to faint again to enable him to carry her to a place, safe and sound with just the two of them, shutting the world out. When Lavanya forced him to give her the sweet and he saw her distress, her shock, it had given him a strange pleasure to see her upset and it was a palliative that he welcomed.. Hearing his words, Khushi dropped her chin down with utter surprise! He carried on forward saying that it meant he was not the only one engulfed by the waves of need, the longing that was gnawing inside him. Arnav kissed her frown away as soon as it made an appearance and said, that it was a fight between his common sense and belief. He had never believed that love existed and had looked at the institution of marriage with disdain. He had felt that even if love existed, it was just a weakness for a pretty face, a weakness that would waver, just like the phases of the moon, waxing and waning, and with time, cease to exist. His only solution to it as he felt was to push her out of his mind as he could not do anything in peace, be it eating, sleeping or working. Her face as she cried in the store room, as she pulled the dupatta off him kept popping up in his mind. Each and every nuance of hers was etched in his mind and was bombarding him with images relentlessly. It was too much for him to bear and he felt that he needed to get out of this madness. Khushi could see the trauma on his face as he said that was the reason for him to invite Lavanya to stay. It had never crossed his mind before and bringing her into his house was the act of a desperate man who was drowning in a maelstrom of emotions that were impelling him with their magnetic pull. It was the act to get a hold on himself to stop himself from crossing his limits with her. It was the act to anchor himself away from the shore that was Khushi. As he said these words, he kissed her fingers that were in his warm clasp and held her hand to his heart.
Khushi was taken aback by his next set of words! He asked her to imagine his dilemma while he felt furious and delight as she turned up at his house on Di's anniversary party, his feelings of happiness, helplessness and resentment when she was brought in to train Lavanya. He admitted to Khushi his flawed thinking, like a wild thing suddenly aware that it was caged, had responded to the situation by resorting to anger and insults. All those were infact a pretext to cover his feelings for her. They were not meant for her, but were for him. He defended that his anger was directed at his weakness for her. He had not understood why it had been so. He could not comprehend why he was so immersed in her thoughts, in her words, in her smile. He had wondered why he could not swim out of the whirlpool of her beauty, her goodness, her childishness, her laughter' Each time he had hurt her, he hurt himself more. Seeing the hurt on her face, had seared his heart, the tears in her eyes had scalded him, it had killed him. He could not bear it. But he did not understand why he could not bear it.
Khushi had a difficult time to maintain her semblance of normality. She tried to keep tears from pooling in her eyes. She could feel his heart race under her palm. He forged ahead saying, that his heart raced each time he saw her. He could sense her presence in the room even before he saw her. He was aware where she was all the time, even when he was not looking at her. He had almost stopped going to the office, just to see her, be with her, be in the same house as her. His words broke into her resolve and slowly a tear glistening like a pearl drop made its way down her cheek. Arnav wiped it away with the pad of his thumb. It was an argument that touched her heart. He said, Diwali night marked the very nadir point, the worst night of his life as well as the best. He had lost control of himself, with Arnav overpowering Arnav Singh Raizada, he had almost kissed her. His confirmation of the fact that she had always known had her look away. Arnav cupping her face made her look at him.
In this update we see Arnav trying to justify his actions by first owning up that he did wrong by her, but he had certain basis at that point of time, to justify that he was on right path. It was coloured by his past that has haunted him. His faith in the fellow beings had been shaken to the core. So all he could do was protect himself from any pain and when he saw Khushi who could get under his skin and had easily penetrated his defences, he could not understand why he felt so with her, for her, and by her presence. It was an enigma. He was not a man who would let things take their own course, but the one who took the bull by its horns. But the difference was, he let anger and other emotions overrule his innate sense of righteousness that led him to make judgement taking only his feelings into consideration. In the bargain, more often than not, Khushi was the target and was cut to the quick. His inadequacy at dealing with his own feelings had targeted her. As he had thought he was the man who could only take right decisions, he had not paused to question the rationale behind his deeds. Every time he had seen her it was affirmed, that his leaning towards her was not mere attraction but had gone further ahead. But he was one scared man. The ASR in him dealt with cold facts without any emotional attachment, where as Arnav in him gave into emotions. ASR was his mask that was placed to protect Arnav from the emotional trauma after the childhood debacle. It had been ASR who always dealt with the world and Arnav was known to a very chosen few. It predominantly came out for his Di. On Diwali night just for a few minutes it had slipped out but soon ASR had overpowered. That was also one of the best times as well as the worst, for both Khushi and Arnav. With Arnav in the fore there was hope for them but with ASR in control it was nothing but pain and void for both. ASR in him was justifying separation as the reason for living while Arnav, when glimpsed was for togetherness.
That is why this is titled Raison d'etre.
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"
~Henry Ellis
That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.
Smita,
Here is the interpretation to Section 3 of Part 7.
This update is an acknowledgement of error or guilt, MEA CULPA.
What is mea culpa?
Mea culpa is a Latin phrase that translates into English as "my mistake", "my fault", or in a more modern slang-tilted tone, it can even mean "my bad".
The origin of the expression is from a prayer of confession of sinfulness used in the Mass of the Roman Catholic Church known as Confiteor.
In the popular vernacular, the expression mea culpa is an admission of having made a mistake by one's own fault, one that could have been avoided if the person had been more diligent. When a person admitted to his mistake, which he could have avoided (at least in theory), and that resulted in a subsequent evil, it may be called mea culpa.
Arnav cupping Khushi's face and making her look at him, heaved a weary sigh when he told her that his father being a weak person, fell prey to a pretty woman and forgot his wife and kids. His mother had taken out her life all because of him and he had killed himself out of his guilt. Di's wedding had got cancelled and they were rendered without a roof on their head. Arnav relived his past, replaying the scenes in his mind. Though his words were simple they had painted his pain and admitted the deep sense of loss he felt. Khushi shut her eyes as tears that had trickled, now flowed down her cheeks like torrential rains. Arnav looking at her wet face told her, that he was determined not to follow his footsteps, for he was his mother's son, not his father's. He was not a weakling like him. He was determined to prove this to himself and the world, to his family that expected him to be like his father. He acknowledged that he had loathed his father so much that he had given up his name, to keep even his shadow at bay, to grow up as different from him as possible and feeling his heart beat for a girl was not in his agenda, it was not a part of his plan for his future. His words made Khushi look down and Arnav cupped her face to make her look at him. In a low tone, he admitted the regret he felt for subjecting her to all the humiliation he had heaped. All the while what he really felt was way too different from what he had doled out to her, and he confessed, that seeing her sitting amidst the circle of diyas, in a red saree, looking like a princess with a soft golden glow, he had lost his heart. His defense, that he had never known that he would feel his heart beat for somebody else other than him, had Khushi draw in a deep trembling breath. He tried to redress, by substantiating his words saying, that his locker was filled with her keepsakes. He still has her pearls from the dress he had ripped off at Sheesh Mahal, as he had found, they had made themselves comfortable in his coat pocket, just the way she had chimed into his heart. Hearing his words, Khushi gaped at him. He continued saying, the piece of dupatta that had stuck to his rear view glass, her broken bangle, her anklet, his blood stained handkerchief used for cleaning the cut on her finger at the temple, all were safe and sound in his locker. All these were the relics he treasured the most.
Arnav, running a gentle finger down her ashen wet cheek told her, that in reparation, he had come to return her anklet to her, once he came to know that it was a treasured piece of her's, her Amma's, that made her feel her Amma's presence with her. She had sprained her ankle and he had set it right. He could not go away from her without giving her the answers, the silent query that her eyes were seeking. She had wanted to know why he was in possession of her payal, and he had wanted to tell her. It was an enchanted evening. He had been drawn to her, like a moth to a flame, He was so caught up in his own feelings that he had never even spared a thought about what he was doing, the implication of his actions, its impact on the future. The innocence in her eyes, the reluctant attraction to him that she could not hide, her response to his touch that was involuntary, all added to the allure. He explained that her eyes were an open book of her emotions and it was as though they were beckoning him.
His words made her relive the Diwali night. Their minds rested upon the thought, as chasing butterflies might rest together on a flower. He confessed, when he was about to kiss her for which he was very much eager to, Aman's call was a dampener but was also a wake-up call. It was a rude awakening for Arnav Singh Raizada! He could not believe that he had lost his self-control. He was incredulous that he had been about to reveal his weakness to the girl who had been undermining his self-control for the past few months. He was filled with disbelief that he had been about to give in to his weakness, just like his father. Arnav Singh Raizada could not let that happen! As an offer of extenuation and explanation to himself, he had decided that she who was able to get under his skin had no place in his life. For that matter, no girl had any place in his life. She had to be shunted out quickly and effectively. But she mattered to him very much, as she was able to reach where no one else had been able to, as her dazzling eyes could make him drown in its liquid brilliancy like a deep ocean where underneath, her trembling emotions would make him forget himself and his past. How could he let that happen! How could ASR forget his past and yield to this attraction for her? What would he be then? A weakling! A clone of his father! That meant he would be everything that he had strived himself not to be! At one fell swoop his efforts of the past decade would come to a naught if he gave in to his attraction for her. His plea was, it meant ASR would come apart at seams and would be in the very centre of all that he abhorred, laid bare. He would be right where he started, without the benefit of his arrogance as his armour, without his ego as his shield. And without these ASR was nothing and would have gone into oblivion. He asked Khushi, what Arnav would have done without the backing of the ASR mask that had become his spine, that held him ramrod straight to face the world? He would have been hurt, tricked, cheated, trampled upon, his heart knifed by betrayal, by loss. He would have been weak, vulnerable and a relatively soft target. In his guilt, he acknowledged, by thinking, it would have opened his chest, opened up his heart and it meant that she could get inside him and mess him up. So the only viable solution was to oust her out of ASR's life, out of RM, out of his mind, his dreams, his heart. That was the only thing that would have helped him to survive and that was what ASR did.
His words, penetrated her like nothing else could. It made her relive the pain. So she did what she was adept at doing. She hid it by averting her eyes from his range of vision as Khushi could not meet his gaze for the black miasma of their despair was coiling around them. Without giving himself any concession, he pushed himself to continue saying, that he tried his level best to pluck her out from his heart and his orbit. She had cried, asking him the questions for which he was unable to give any answers. While she stood steadfastly rooting for their love and fought tooth and nail to keep it alive, he had fought to deny it and squelch it at all possible times and in all possible ways. Arnav acknowledged that she knew, she was perceptive enough to know that they were in the middle of something momentous that was experienced by just a blessed few. Even in her innocence she knew it and loving deeply she had the courage to stand by it, whereas even in ignorance knowing what love was all about, he had to shunt her out to save his sanity, to survive. Arnav gathered Khushi in his arms nestling her against his heart while his arms wound around her.
He told her that, the look she had in her eyes, tear filled with surging pain, betrayal, and browbeaten, as he announced his intention to get betrothed to Lavanya, has been etched in his mind. It was like making her have a real giddy horror of stars and seas, like a man has on the edge of a hopelessly high precipice, throwing her into a a deep abyss that would envelop all around in darkness, He admitted that her vulnerable look, had him writhing and scorched him intensely like a steady flame. He will never forget it till his last breath. He had hurt her immensely and each of her tear was like a drop of molten lead, burning a passage to his heart with its downpour. So saying, he uttered his heartfelt apology, saying that he was extremely sorry. But Khushi was silent, as silent as a flame that fails. She had her wet face against his and had looped her arms around his neck. Keeping on his narration, Arnav conceeded, that was not the worst. Worst was yet to come. That night regaining her composure she had smiled, had wished, distributed sweets and had a smile on her face as she congratulated him in the car. All these had struck a raw nerve, though he had portrayed as though he could not give a hoot. He was all worked up, so much so, that in a fit of pique, he had uttered the cruel words that night at her doorstep. He regretted going off the deep end very much. He had not wanted her to return to RM. He explained that the words were infact a warning to him, reminding him of how uncharacteristic his actions were, how susceptible he was to her. Arnav said, the problem was never her. It was always him and only him.
Khushi moving away from his embrace and rested her back against the pillows. Brushing her tears aside with her fingers, she looked at him. He admitted to her, that if on Diwali night he had hurt her he had hurt himself much more. He had not been able to put her out of his mind, thinking of her, worrying about her throughout the day and night. It was like a bee in the bonnet. Everytime anyone uttered her name, it was like a red flag to a bull and he would go ballistic. And watching her leave after Di and the others bid farewell to her, he had an inkling of what he was losing. She returned the mannat ki chabi to him, and he followed her to the temple to bandage her finger. When he saw the guarded look in her eyes as she saw him, he almost died, as though he was knifed and it was being slowly twisted inside him! It hurt badly as she was trying to push him away, push him out of her heart just as he did, so that she could survive. His admission and perception made her throat constrict.
Arnav knowing his words were essential to clear the air, eventhough it was causing both immense pain, eventhough she looked at him with hurtful eyes, he persisted and said, that when she stopped him from tending to her wound, he could not bear it. How could she stop him from touching her, when he had been touching her whenever he wanted, where ever he wanted, for months? When she was his and only his? He admitted that everything that he had said that day in the temple, about making his own destiny, about writing his own fate were meant to remind him of his past, how far he had come from being a helpless teenager, unable to stop his mother from killing herself, or his father from following her to the pyre. He caught Khushi's hand and pressed her fingers gently, looking at the finger that he had bandaged.
When she had pulled her hand away as he tried to make her wear the ring, saying that it was her engagement ring, a part of him had died. At that moment, getting wise after the event, he realized eventhough he had been trying to push her away from him by hiding behind Lavanya who was a friend and never a threat to his heart, she had put herself out of his life, his reach, his orbit just as he had shown he wanted to happen and had let someone else in to her life. Though it was justified, the folly of his action hit him so hard that he realized what a blunder, a blunder of Himalayan proportion it was! When she queried, why it meant so much to him, he could not find the words. He had stopped at farak padta he kyunki... why it made a difference, because he himself did not know farak kyon pad raha tha... why it was making a difference. He just knew that it mattered more to him than his very own life. His voice was slowly getting low and tired.
As Arnav leaned against Khushi, lying against her, burrowing his face in her chest, his arms collected her close, taking and giving succour. Khushi too wound her arms around him, slowly pulling him more firmly in to her hold. As he whispered against her, his weary breath caused the dupatta to flutter gently. He continued to tell that from then on, it was an uphill task. Trying to get back his girl, the girl he had lost through his sheer stupidity, was no mean task. While Lavanya was shopping for her trousseau and discussing cruises for honeymoon and his family who were as pleased as punch had been turning every moment in to a high drama, he said, he could not even think straight. He had wanted her to admit, as him being the one who mattered to her and not her fianc. He wanted her to toss out the ring and return in to his arms. He wanted her to come back to him but he was not sure what he would do if she came back to him! His mind had blocked out from thinking over this. All he knew was, he wanted her back with him. He was abusive, cutting, scathing, hurtful in his pain. As though it was a vindication, he had lashed out at her for getting engaged after he himself had shoved her into another man's arms. So saying, feeling distraught, he snuggled in to her softness, weary beyond words.
He sought her forgiveness and said that an unforeseen case of heebie jeebies hit him as she went missing after crying on his shoulder. He was like a cat on hot bricks. Panicking, he had called her several times before the call was received. With the storm that was brewing inside him gathering forces with every passing second, having been driven up the wall by her unanswered calls, he gave vent to his spleens when she picked her phone. Giving her a tongue lashing was what he could only do, as he was at his tethers end unable to do anything, feeling helpless and above all it was his own doing that had bound him in shackles! He explained that the ripple effect of his behavior might have been Lavanya sensing that he had loved Khushi and not her and led to not get engaged. Leading on Lavanya, having her float on cloud nine with his impromptu announcement of getting engaged and then, leaving her with a heartache of knowing she was not the one he loved, was the price he had made Lavanya pay for falling for him and the price he had to pay of hurting a good friend, by withdrawing after showing her the carrots, was feeling like a cad for hurting her. Though he had felt that he hurt Lavanya immensely, the relief he felt overweighed the prick on his conscience! He justified his action saying it was a relief that he was not committed to a person he did not want to be committed to, relief that he had pulled back from the brink of a mistake that would have made every one unhappy in the long run. As he narrated sleep, slurred his words.
Khushi sat silent, holding him safe in her arms, as he burrowed further in to her warmth. He recalled that as he opened the door, she was there, all dressed up for her Jiji and Akash, and also for his and Lavanya's engagement. She was looking all set to dance the night away sporting a bright smile on her face. Seeing her standing there, holding a gift in her hand, for him and Lavanya, it had pierced his heart and brought him down to his knees, at the total lack of malice or even an iota of self-pity in her eyes. She was genuinely happy that Lavanya was getting what she wanted and he was getting what he had said he wanted. Khushi swallowed through a dry throat, reliving the painful times. Though it was painful he stuck on course and said, she had danced at what she had thought was his sagai, with her smile intact all the while. How could she, was his poser at her enigmatic behavior. Lifting his eyes to peer in to hers, his head still resting against her bosom he said, he just could not fathom how she could do so. Khushi shut her eyes hit by the waves of pain that engulfed her and leaned back against her pillow. Arnav, seeking her warmth nuzzled his face against her once again. He kept on pouring his thoughts saying, she had chided him for breaking Lavanya's heart, and inadvertently let him know that her sagai was broken. The relief had rushed over in palpable waves. Reliving the moment and drowning himself in the misery, confessing his faults, his words were slurring with sleep as well as remorse, when he said, Khushi, I can't tell you... Khushi... I am so sorry... so sorry... so sorry... lo siento muchos, I am very sorry. It was a penitent voice that was acknowledging the guilt and seeking her forgiveness. His voice died away as he was lulled into a few hours of kip, from the relief and the sense of feeling of being at home in the warmth of her arms.
As Arnav Singh Raizada admitted to his mistake, which he could have avoided, the one that resulted in a subsequent evil, a ripple effect of his deeds, it may be called mea culpa.
"Each memory rips through me, and although I stow myself against the emotions, I can't prevent the pain that accompanies each image. Pain for a love never acknowledged, pain for a friendship now gone. Pain for a loss I can't possibly endure"
That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.
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A VM expressing the pangs of love felt by Arnav
Nenjodu Cherthu (Malayalam)
Rough translation:
Let me hold you close to my heart and hum a song,
You are the melody of my song.
You are the image that blooms in my heart, unknown to me,
The picture in my eyes when they are not seeing you.
Come to me, as the raga of this song,
Give to me, the colours of this picture.
I will give you a heart overflowing with love,
Where have you vanished, leaving me with tears in my eyes?
Let me hold you close to my heart and hum a song,
You are the melody of my song.
When the wish to see you flutters its wings in my heart,
You caress me with the soothing breeze of your love.
My eyes can see only your face,
My dreams hold only the colours of your giving.
Don't leave me and vanish, far away from me....
Let me hold you close to my heart and hum a song,
You are the melody of my song.
All the poems I wrote for you,
Have bloomed like Raag Hindolam on your lips.
The depths of the ocean, the fury of the rain,
Hold only your sound for me.
The shadows of my dreams
Carry only your breath for me.
I am looking for you near me...
Where are you?
Let me hold you close to my heart and hum a song,
You are the melody of my song.
You are the image that blooms in my heart, unknown to me,
The picture in my eyes when they are not seeing you.
Come to me, as the raga of this song,
Give to me, the colours of this picture.
I will give you a heart overflowing with love,
Where have you vanished, leaving me with tears in my eyes?
Loving
Khushi Part 7: Day 7: Section 1
Arnav sat
looking at a sleeping Khushi, his eyes on her sweet face as she curled under
his blanket after a terrible day.
They had
brought Di back from the hospital today…no, yesterday, he amended looking at
the clock. Buaji had accompanied her and met Khushi. Payal and Buaji had hugged
Khushi, silently commiserating with her on the death anniversary of her
parents.
Khushi had
been silent all evening, helping the others see to Di. He had tried to talk to
her but the demands on her and his time had been great, and by the time he had
come to bed, she had been already asleep.
So young in
age! he thought with a pang in his heart as he looked down at her. And so old in her ways at times. Old
before her time. Wise beyond her years. And so playful at times, bearing the
weight of her tragic childhood apparently with ease.
A small smile played on
his lips.
Seven days
more.
The smile died away. Only seven days more. Why had he specified a period
of 6 months? He could have just forced her to marry him and left it at that! No!
he had to pick six months, Arnav cursed
himself. And now that clause was biting him where it hurt the most! Seven days.
What if he couldn’t persuade her to stay at the end of the period? Give him
another chance? No, that was not an option. She couldn’t leave him. She loved
him as much as he loved her. She couldn’t live apart from him, any more than he
could, he comforted himself.
He reminded
himself of his resolution of showing his love to her as and when he felt. She
would understand how much he loved and needed her. He would make her understand.
He got up and left the room,
snatching his car keys from the low table on his way out.
Khushi felt
something soft touch her cheek. Was Laxmiji kissing her? She had a habit of stealing into bedrooms at night
and nibbling on people and things. She fluttered her eyelashes open to see that
it was not Laxmiji, but a blood-red rose. Her eyes shot open. The rose was held
in a very familiar hand. Her eyes travelled up the hand, the shoulder, the
neck, to Arnav Singh Raizada’s face.
“Khushi…”
he whispered.
“Ji?” She
sat up, all sleep falling away. "Aapki tabeeyat theek he?"
He thrust a
big bunch of red roses in to her hands. Khushi looked at the roses, at the
clock, and then at Arnavji’s face.
“For you.”
he said as though she had expressed some doubt.
“Kya hua?”
she asked finally, when she could find her tongue.
“Does
something have to happen before I can give you roses?” Arnav asked in his
gravelly voice.
Khushi
looked at him and then at the roses. She brought them to her face and breathed
in their heady fragrance.
"Shukriya..." she said softly.
“Khushi…”
Arnav said. She looked at him.
“Khushi, I
was wrong to force you into marriage.” he began.
Khushi
looked at him in silence.
“You had
nothing to do with Shyam. He lied to me and I was wrong to believe him. I
should have tried to find out the truth, but my anger, the situation, Di…”
Arnav said.
Khushi
said, “It is alright.”
“It is not
alright. I blackmailed you into a marriage for 6 months. And tried to make your
life hell. I was angry with you…” Arnav tried to apologise.
Khushi didn’t
know where this was going, but she tried to make light of the situation, keep
the conversation from straying into dangerous waters.
“You are
always angry with me. From the day we met, steam has been coming out of your
ears like it does from a train engine. I am used to it now.” she smiled.
“It is not
alright.” Arnav said. “My family, your family… you faced their anger alone…I…I
didn’t even tell you what I was punishing you for… You could have died falling
from the terrace that day…If I had been a few minutes late….” His face
blanched. He cupped her cheek.
Khushi felt
a frisson of approaching danger. She yawned, throwing his hand away. “It is all over. It is the past.
Can I go to sleep now?”
“No, you
can’t.” he said. “Khushi, that day at Buaji’s house, when you described your
wedding to your friends… Khushi, I took away all your dreams, didn’t I?” he
asked, pain filing his voice.
Khushi looked
at his penitent face for a moment and then sighed. “Yes, you took away all my
dreams” She put the bouquet aside.
Arnav swallowed hard.
Khushi sighed again. “They were just wishful
thinking, Arnavji, never meant to happen. That is why they are called dreams.”
Arnav
stared at her.
“My dreams
are just that, dreams. Do you know what they were? I thought that when I met
the man I would want to marry, flowers would rain from the sky, there would be
band baaja & fireworks, stars and lights would shine bright, it would be an
occasion of joy and laughter…” Khushi said.
Arnav could
feel the blood leaving his face.
“Do you
know what would have happened had we never met? Some boy and his parents would
have come to inspect me at our home in Lucknow. I would have been pushed in to
a sari by Jiji and my friends. Amma would have placed a heavy tray of tea cups
and plates of samosas and sweets in my hands and asked me to serve them.”
Khushi smiled.
Arnav
stared at her, feeling like wringing the neck of a boy who did not exist.
“Buajii
would have pulled the pallu over my head. Just imagine the scene, Arnavji!”
Khushi laughed.
Arnav smiled
slightly, his eyes on her laughing face.
“I can’t
walk without tripping even on normal days, Arnavji. Imagine me with the tray,
sari, and pallu! I would have emptied the tray on the boy’s lap. Instead of
flowers, I would have a shower of abuses from his parents. The fireworks would
be in the groom’s pants, what with the hot tea and all, Amma & Buaji would
bajao my band, and I would see stars after Buaji thumped me on the head….”
Khushi doubled over laughing.
Arnav had
to chuckle at the picture she drew with her words.
“So much
for my dreams… So don’t feel bad about taking away my dreams…” Khushi smiled,
praying desperately that he wouldn’t pursue the point.
But he was
Arnav Singh Raizada. Worse than a dog with a bone.
“But our
marriage…I pulled you up the steps of the temple, Khushi. As you said, there
were no witnesses, no purohit, no saat phere…” Arnav persisted.
Khushi hid
her sigh and smiled.
“Why do we
need all of them for a contract marriage?” she asked. “It was a deal, Arnavji,
just a deal. You offered the terms, I accepted them. It was just a legal
contract.”
“Khushi, it
is a marriage…” Arnav protested.
“A contract
marriage, with shartein. Which I followed. Where is the place for dreams in a
business deal?” Khushi smiled.
“Khushi…” Arnav
protested.
“Is this
the way you do business, Mr. Arnav Singh Raizada?” Khushi laughed at him. "Mixing deals with dreams?"
He caught
her by her arms and shook her slightly. He knew what she was trying to do. Ease
out of their marriage with little fuss, blocking every attempt of his to have a
serious discussion or pin her down...He couldn't let that happen.
“So our
marriage was just a business deal for you, Khushi?” he asked, his voice cold and
dangerous.
Khushi
tried to smile. “Ji. As it should have been for you too.” She chided him for
reading too much into their hasty wedding.
“Where was
it written in the contract that you had to risk your life to save mine, Khushi?
And that too, twice?” he asked, his eyes burning into hers.
Khushi
swallowed, trying to drag her eyes from his.
“Or that
you should commit suicide so that I can have
a life with someone else?” he shook her.
Khiushi
looked away.
“Look at me
if you can, Khushi, and tell me that your heart does not beat faster when I
come close to you, that you don’t feel breathless when I look at you…” his hold
on her arms firmed further.
She tried
to pull away. How did he know…?
“All these…they
are not important…” she muttered as she tried to free herself.
“Not
important?” Arnav fumed. “Not important? Then what is important?”
Khushi
managed to free her arms from his hold, and scooted back in bed.
“What is
important is your work, your business, Amanji…” she started. Arnav looked at
her in disbelief. “Your Di and her future, your family, your life here, your
peace…”
“Khushi…”
Arnav gasped.
“And my
life, my Amma & Babuji, my Buaji, my Jiji…” she hugged her knees.
He stared at
her.
“Far, far
away from you. Then you can live in peace, knowing that I am not going to fall
in to your arms and destroy your fashion show again. Or your Di’s life. And I
can live in peace, knowing that you are not going to shout at me again or twist
my arm.” she smiled.
“Khushi, I
am sorry…” Arnav felt wretched for the hurtful words he had thrown at her a few
days back.
“It is
over. Shyam is gone now. Let us think about the future now.” Khushi smiled.
“Khushi,
marry me.” Arnav said, desperate.
Khushi felt
her world shake, its foundation tottering, but she managed to keep a smile on
her face.
“Again? You
want me to sign another contract?” she frowned slightly as though she had not
grasped the meaning of his words.
“No! Not a
contract marriage. A real one lasting all our lives. With flowers, band and
baraat, lights and stars, your red and green lehenga, our families, your
friends, saat phere, purohit…the works…everything you ever dreamt of…” Arnav
insisted.
Khushi quivered,
but she smiled. “People marry once and regret it. And you, who never wanted to
marry, want to marry twice? And that
too, the same girl?”
“Khushi, I
am serious.” Arnav caught hold of her shoulders. “I want to marry you, in the
presence of our families…”
Khushi smiled.
“I am serious too. I don’t want to marry you.”
“Khushi…”
Arnav protested.
“I would
be a terrible wife to you, Arnavji.
Sanki and pagal, poor and middle class…”
“Khushi..”
Arnav protested, the pain behind her words and smile eating in to his guts like
acid.
“Without
character… wiling to do anything for money….” Khushi smiled.
“Khushi, I
am sorry…” Arnav tried. If only he could kick himself!
“With a low
class mentality, no haisiyat, bad aukaat, ajeeb, wearing too many clothes, not good in English…” Khushi
continued cheerfully.
“Khushi…”
Arnav placed his hand over her lips to silence her. She shook him away. She was
on a roll.
“So
dangerous to you, so unworthy of you that you ran away from me on Diwali night
and announced your engagement to Lavanyaji, even though you did not want to be
engaged to her!” Khushi laughed.
Arnav
sweated. “Khushi…”
“How hard
you tried to fight my charms!” Khushi laughed. “As though I were a zukham you
were trying to avoid…”
Arnav
swallowed hard.
“And you would
be a terrible husband for me!” she
laughed. “You are not sanki enough. You are too educated, a Laad Governor. Too
serious. You consider me a burden, a pagal burden. And your ghussa. Your
cutting tongue….”
“Khushi, I love you.” he croaked.
Khushi
looked at him, her eyes curious.
“What is
love?” she asked finally.
Smita,
Here is the interpretation to Section 1 of Part 7.
It is said every action has an equal and opposite reaction, popularly known as Newton's third law of motion, and this is what this update is about. REACTIONS in general and RIPOSTE in particular.
As Arnav sat looking at the sweet face of Khushi, in the arms of Morpheus, curled up under his blanket after an eventful day, which had seen bringing Di back from the hospital accompanied by Buaji, he noted that the clock showed that it was day seven. He was racing against time and it was his own doing, insisting on a contract marriage that has boomeranged. Buaji who had come with Di, had taken Khushi in a bear hug, commiserating with her on the day of her parent's death anniversary. Khushi had been silent all evening helping the others take care of Di. Every time he had tried to talk to her, it had proved to be elusive as the sea-line far due to the demands of the rest on their time and by the time he could get into his room she was in deep sleep. Looking at her calm yet vulnerable face, he acknowledged with a pang under all the jocular talk she was a very serious and a tired soul. At a very young age she had become wise beyond years due to her sufferings and fears, the realities of grief offered by the life. Even though it would time and again haunt the places in her mind, her capacity to see the beauty of life had helped her to bear the weight of her tragic childhood apparently with ease. Her fine poise was admirable. A small smile played on his lips, to see this beauty in deep slumber who had come to mean the world to him. As he remembered that it was day seven, the smile got wiped out. He had only seven more days to make her change her mind. He wondered what made him specify time frame for marriage. It would have been a service unto himself if he had just forced her into marriage without adding the time frame. But for all his shatir dimaag, he had to specify it as a time bound contract! It had backfired! Now the same clause that he had used as a cloak of protection had become a mill stone around his neck. By adopting an ostrich strategy of choosing to ignore the problem in the hope that it will resolve itself or disappear will only make matters worse. He just had seven more days to convince her otherwise. What if he failed to do so? Will she be willing to give him another chance? It hit him like nothing else could. It was a trilemma that left him on a sticky wicket. He recoiled at the thought of Khushi leaving him and it was not at all an option. His reflection that she couldn't leave him, as she loved him as much as he loved her and she couldn't live apart from him any more than he could, gave him some sort of comfort. He paused to collect his thoughts, reminded himself of his avowed intent of showing his love to her when he felt. He thought, by his actions and deliverance of his thoughts, he would be able to counterbalance the credibility gap that she feels now. He would make her understand how much he loved her and needed her in his life. These thoughts helped him to come to grips with the situation and ushered him to act. Snatching the car keys he made his way out.
Khushi feeling something soft and velvety touch her cheek, wondered if Laxmiji was again resorting to her bad habit of stealthily getting into the bedroom and nibble on people and things. Fluttering open the fringed curtains of her sleepy eyes, she saw that it was not Laxmiji but a jet red rose making her eyes dilate in reflex. As her gaze steadied she found that the rose was held by a familiar hand. Her eyes slowly ascended up the hand to rest on the bewitching caramel eyes that was gazing into her. His whispered, Khushi, had her sleep wash away and made her enquire whether he was feeling fine. In answer he thrust a bunch of red roses into her hands. Khushi looked at the roses and at the clock. Noting the time she looked at Arnavji's face. In reply, he told her that was for her, as though she had expressed her doubt. She was caught unawares and asked what happened, when she could form words. Arnav asked her in a voice that was authoritative and commanding, is it necessary for something to happen for him to give roses. Moving her eyes from him to the bouquet, she inhaled their scent deeply and expressed her appreciation with a soft thanks.
When Arnav called out to her and began to say that he was wrong to force her into marriage, she silently listened to him. He told her that she had nothing to do with Shyam and she was innocent. He had believed the pack of lies that Shyam had fed without even trying to find the truth out. His anger, the situation, Di.. As he was voicing out, Khushi trying to soft pedal the issue, told him that it was alright. But refuting her retort, he tried to apologise saying that she was blackmailed by him into a marriage of six months and he had tried to make her life a living hell. He had been extremely angry with her... Khushi could not comprehend the way this talk was oriented to and trying to steer the conversation from entering into dangerous waters she told him with levity, that his anger was not something new to her. He had always been a bear with a sorehead, ready to bite her head off. She was used to taking flak from him. Seeing her smile at what she was saying, her attitude that it was of no consequence, made his eyes go bleak and say that it was not alright. It was wrong on his part to let her take the brunt of the anger of their families alone when she was not even aware of what she was being punished for, by him. She could have lost her life falling from the terrace that day, if he had been even a little bit late. Recalling the scene his face blanched and feeling the need to touch her he cupped her cheek. Khushi felt a frisson run down her spine now sensing where the conversation was leading to. Feigning sleep with a yawn, pushing his hands away she said, that it was all over. It belonged to the past and can she go back to sleep? He replied, no, she can't. Now receptive to her feelings, he said, at Buaji's house, when she was describing her wedding to her friends that was far from the reality... with a voice filled with pain he stated that he took away all her dreams, did he not? His contrite face made her sigh, placing the bouquet on the nightstand and echo his words, that did take away all her dreams. Arnav felt like a heel for burning all her dreams to ashes. Heaving out a deep sigh she made a rejoinder, that they were just wishful thinking, never meant to turn into a reality. That is why they are called dreams. Her dreams were just that and nothing more. Does he know what they were? She had fantasized that when she met a man she would want to marry, it would rain flowers accompanied by procession with the band and the fireworks, stars and lights glowing brighter, an occasion for joy and laughter, all the stuff the fairy tales were made off. Her words were like sharpenels that entered his very being and the realization of the repercussion of his hasty action made his face ashen out. She proceeded to say, does he have any idea what would have happened? It would have been her parading in front of some boy, in a forcibly worn saree at the insistence and help of her sister and her friends, entering the hall with a tea laden tray and serve them samosas, sweets and tea. It was a kick in his guts to paint Khushi being given a look over by some other guy than him. Arnav was irritated enough to wring the neck just by the thought of the imaginary boy and he didn't need her to paint such a picture. Unaware, she carried on painting the picture saying, that Buaji would have pulled the pallu over her head! With a laugh she asked him to imagine such an absurd scene. Arnav's eyes slightly crinkled with laughter seeing her laughing countenance. She delivered a wisecrack with, when on a normal day she could not even walk straight without tripping, what a sorry picture she would cut balancing a tray with sari and pallu! It would have ended up with the tea on the boy's lap and instead of flowers it would have been a profusion of profanities that would have been showered on her. The boy would have been subjected to fireworks from the scalding tea and Amma and Buaji would have taken her to task, vented their spleen out that would have put any band to shame and she would have seen stars at the very first thump she would have received from her Buaji! By the time she finished her narration Khushi was rolling in laughter! Arnav did a double-take at her reaction and even he had to chuckle at her words. She told him that's what her dreams amounted to and he need not feel bad about it. She smiled at him but inwardly was sending fervent prayers to her Devi Maiyya to not to let him pursue the subject. Whom was she kidding! It was Arnav Singh Raizada. He was persistent if not anything, worse than a dog with a bone. He did not let it rest. He persisted saying, at their marriage, he had pulled her roughly up along the steps of the temple. As she had said, it was a wedding with just the two of them. There were no witnesses, no purohits, no rituals... Khushi hiding her sigh, smiled at him reciprocating with his long back thoughts, why was all of them necessary for a contract marriage? After all, the marriage is tantamount to just a deal. He had made an offer with the terms and conditions and she had accepted. It was just a legal contract that bound them for a stipulated period and in this case it was for six months. At his protest that it is a marriage... she forged ahead to say that it was a contract marriage with a set of conditions that she had followed. So where was the place for dreams in a business deal. At his continued protest she laughed out and came out with a response asking him was that the way he cut deals? Did Mr.Arnav Singh Raizada mix deals with dreams?
Realizing that she was trying to ease out of the marriage, without much ado, countering all his moves by shooting salvos as not to let any serious discussion take its root, but take a tangential route without touching the topic, catching by her arms he shook her. He could not let her get her way on this matter. Cornering her on the bed and in a voice that was cold and dangerous, he probed, so their marriage was just a business deal for her, was it? Khushi, trying to bail him out of his tense mood, made light of the situation, smiled and retorted with a playful chide, for having read too much into their hasty marriage and for making a mountain of a mole hill said, that it should have been so for him too. Arnav's eyes burning holes through her, countered her argument with, where was it written in the contract that she had to risk her life to save his? Not once but twice she had done it! Khushi, unable to withstand his intense stare that was filled with silent rage, tried to skitter her eyes but in vain. In a knee-jerk reaction, giving her a thorough shake he asked, was it in the contract that she had to commit suicide, paving way for him to have a life with someone else? Khushi was unable to keep her eyes on his glaring countenance. Arnav increasing his firm grip on her arm, challenged her to look at him and tell him on his face, that she does not feel the thumping of her heart filling her ear as he nears her, that she does not feel breathless when his eyes are on her. As she wondered how he was aware of her vibes, she tried to get away from his grip. Once again trying to play down the implication, she rebounded saying, those were of no consequence as she squirmed to get out of his grip. He was fuming mad to hear her say, not important, and asked her, then what was important? Managing to free her arms, she slid back in bed. She told him, paying back in his own coin, that what was important was his work, his business, Amanji... Her words made Arnav stare in disbelief as if he had heard wrong. She continued to say, his Di and her future, his family, his life here, his peace... Listening to her list he gasped her name. Staying on course, unheedful of his reaction, hugging her knees she told as though giving tit for tat, in her life her Amma and Babuji, her Buaji, her Jiji were important and it would be lived far away from him. Then he could get his peace knowing that she would not be there to fall into his arms and spoil the perfect fashion show as she had once done. She would not be there even to mar the happiness of his Di or her life. His own words were being resonated back to him. Beaming at him she said that she too could breathe a bit easier knowing that she was not going to be shouted at or have her arm twisted.
Arnav haunted by remorse and jarred by her reverberating words apologized to her for the hurtful words he had thrown at her a few days back. Her smile did not waver. She told him that was a closed chapter. Shyam was in the past and it was better to dwell on the future. In a desperate plea Arnav asked her to marry him. Khushi felt herself teeter-totter, by the impact of his words. The very ground she was on seem to shake with the waves of tremors. Even then, she maintained her poise with a smile. With a slight frown burrowing on her forehead, she queried as though to confirm what she had heard was not a figment of her imagination, again? He wanted her to sign another contract? He confirmed that she had heard the marriage part correct, but hastened to add that it as not a contract marriage, a real one that was meant to last their lifetime, with all the flowers, band and baraat, lights and stars, her dream red and green lehenga, their families, her friends, saat phere, purohit... in toto, everything she ever dreamt of. He waited in bated breath. Khushi was tremulous and his words poured upon her like a trembling flood but still smiled while she said, people after marrying once and regretting, refrain from committing the same mistake. But he, who never wanted marriage, now wanting to marry twice? Moreover, to the same girl? Her contrary reaction to what she had wanted earlier put him on pins and needles. When Arnav grabbing her by her shoulders, insisted that he was serious about wanting to marry her amidst their families, Khushi too countered that she too was serious when she says she does not want to marry him.
At Arnav's protest she started to list out the reasons as to why she would be unsuitable, beginning with her craziness and nutty behavior, being poor with middle class mentality. For Arnav the pain behind her words was like the bitterness of dissolution and her smile was a slow poison eating his insides. It brought in with it revulsion to his deeds. Khushi got on with her list saying, one with loose morals, a slave of money. Hearing all the words that he had spewed out in anger, Arnav's apology seemed a pathetic attempt to his own ears. In his intense anger, a blind rage, unable to see the signals indicating that it would be appropriate to stop he had responded to other emotions, sadness, betrayal with angry words. Instead of grasping the case from all sides and not respond immediately to a stimulus, time and again, he had given in to his instincts. When the need of the hour had been to defer judgement, he had hauled her over the coals. Right then, he could kick himself for being such a nincompoop as he knows the basic truth that one has the ability to choose one's reaction! Khushi cheerfully moved ahead to say, that with a low class mentality as hers, without any status, bad position, weird behaviour, prudeness, bad English.. Khushi was stopped by Arnav placing a hand over her lips to silence her. Shaking him off Khushi kept on rolling various reasons for her not being fit for the post of his wife. She warned him, that she was dangerous and unworthy of him so much so, that he ran away from her on Diwali day only to announce his engagement to Lavanyaji, eventhough he was reluctant to be clubbed with her, choosing the lesser of the two devils. So saying she laughed, while Arnav being in a tight spot, broke out in cold sweat. She laughed hard saying, he had tried extremely hard to fight her charms, as though she was the very persistent cold he was trying his level best to avoid. Seeing Arnav's misery, Khushi with a laugh, as a compensation told him that, he would be a terrible husband for her, for he was not crazy enough for her ways. Too educated, too Laad Governor, a British left-over. He was too serious for her chirpy ways. He considers her as an onerous duty, a bundle of crazy burden. His anger, razor edged tongue... Arnav not able to listen anymore, blurted out Khushi, I love you, making Khushi peer at him with curious owlish eyes and come out with a snappy comeback what is love? That was a loaded query, where, if Arnav tried to explain, it would put him in a quandary. Whatever he would describe love as, was in sharp contrast to his deeds and would be unable to justify. If he kept mum, his declaration held no meaning. Innocent Khushi, gullible Khushi, Khushi who time and again was reminded that she does not possess enough brains, smart as a whip, posed the question, what is love?Khushi has left left him in a double bind, a Catch 22 situation. What a place to be in! Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Arnav Singh Raizada has been outwitted by a simple query by the small town girl Khushi Kumari Gupta, Singh Raizada for seven more days as per the conditions prevalent. It is interesting to see how Arnav Singh Raizada would extricate himself from this double bind!
For Arnav Singh Raizada, his shatir dimaag turned out to be the stumbling block in his love life! For Khushi Kumari Gupta, Singh Raizada for a wee bit longer, his shatir dimaag proved to be a blessing in disguise giving her arsenals, to anticipate as well as counter his every move.
"The Law of Karma is also called the Law of Cause and Effect, Action and Reaction and: as you sow, so shall you reap"
~ Sham Hinduja
That is why this is titled RIPOSTE.
That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.
Part 7: Day
7: Section 2
Arnav
swallowed hard. What could he say to that?
He looked
at her beautiful face. Her wary eyes warred with her smiling lips. Her nosepin
glittered in the dim night light.
Arnav
parted his lips to answer her, hoping that an answer would come to his lips. Words
always came to him with great difficulty, and apt words almost never favoured
him. How to answer her…?
Khushi
leaned back against her pillows. Arnav looked at her face. She seemed…she
seemed almost scared of his answer.
He looked
at the fear on her face, at the pulse hammering away at the base of her creamy
throat, at her heaving chest, at her breathlessness…at her eagerness to hear
the answer…and her fear of what his answer would be…
“When I saw
you…” the words fell from his lips without his volition. “…I was struck by your
beauty…”
Khushi
stared at him.
“Your eyes…your
trembling lips…the feel of you in my arms…”
Images of
their meeting in Sheesh Mahal filled the air between them.
“I was
angry… with myself…for finding you attractive. And I thought you were there to
sabotage my event. That is why… And it was Sheesh Mahal, the scene of the
terrible tragedies of my childhood. When you talked of my Di’s wedding getting
cancelled, I lost control…”
Arnav
caught hold of her hand and dropped a kiss on it. He held her hand to his
heart.
“I thought
of you…all the time… I had never, never done anything of that kind before.
Nothing had the power to distract me from work…”
Khushi
nodded slowly, trying to see herself through his mind.
“Then, the
dargah. It seemed as though the more I tried to push you out of my mind, the
more you were landing in front of me. I was…glad to see you. So I was angry
with myself. And you. For making me feel glad. That is why I…” Arnav buried his
lips in her palm. Her hand trembled in his gentle grasp.
“I couldn’t
get you out of my head. I couldn’t punish myself. That is why I punished you.
By airing the clip… I didn’t know, I didn’t think what it would lead to… I just
wanted to push you away. Make sure that you never came within a mile of me…”
Khushi
looked at him.
“I got back
to Delhi, to work, to my family. I thought I was safe. And then you ran in to
me! I couldn’t believe my eyes…” Arnav confessed.
“I tried to
push you away again. And then you turned up at the office. The more I tried to
send you away, by drafting that contract, by making your life impossible, the
more firmly you were ensconced in my head. And my heart. Although I didn’t know
that then…”
Khushi
looked at him, waiting.
“The
photoshoot…I was captivated by you. The more I was captivated, the more I tried
to punish you and myself by pushing you away."
"And then came the night in the
rain in the carpark… I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was going crazy…The
night at the guest house… you had fainted. I had hurt you. As I stood with you
lying in my arms, I…I could let myself look at you…as much as I wanted…free…It
was as if the world held just the two of us, a man and a woman, two free people, free of their
pasts, free of expectations, free of the world…”
Arnav
cupped Khushi’s cheek.
“I didn’t
want to take you to Buaji’s house. I didn’t want to leave you there. I wanted
to carry you away to a world of our own, where we could start all over again…”
The words came fast and furious now, his anguish and his panic making him
voluble.
“But I
couldn’t. I was Arnav Singh raizada. And you were Khushi Kumari Gupta. I had no
claim on you. You had a family waiting
for you. Khushi, I took you in, laid you on your bed with the stars hanging all
over from it… I didn’t want to leave you there, but I had to. As I was leaving…”
he stopped.
Khushi
looked at him, curious.
“You pulled
me back.” Arnav said simply.
Khushi’s
eyes opened wide.
“You had
your fingers curled around the lapel of my jacket, as though you too had felt
everything that I had, that night. Khushi…you will never know how hard it was
for me to leave you there.”
Arnav kissed
her forehead.
“I stood
outside by the window, and watched Buaji cleaning your wound. She was so loving…
I realised that you had people who cared for you, loved you… I left, taking
with me the wound that your broken glass bangle had given me as I hurt you.”
Arnav
cupped her face in his palms.
“You gave
me the resignation and left. I was angry. Because everything that you had
shouted at me was true. And because I didn’t want you to go. I wanted you in my
office for the remaining two weeks. I had been looking forward to seeing you
there…”
Khushi
swallowed.
“Your
thoughts plagued me night and day, giving me no rest. And then, on Teej, you
ran in to me and coloured me with sindoor. I…I couldn’t take my eyes off you.
It was as though every wish in my heart had come true. You were standing in
front of me. I…I hoped you would not get a rickshaw after the pooja, that I
might drop you back home…but…”
Khushi’s
mouth felt drier than the Thar desert.
“That
evening, at the temple, I carried you to the bench, gave you water to revive
you. I didn’t know that you were keeping the vrat. You were angry with me, but
I couldn’t take my eyes off you. It was as though someone dear had returned
after a very long time, even though we had met that morning. I wanted time to
stop still. I wanted you to faint again so that I could carry to some place safe, keep you with me, lock the
world out… Lavanya forced me to give her the sweet and I saw your distress,
your shock. I was …strangely enough…happy that you were upset…”
Khushi
looked at him, her lips in an Awww.
“It meant
that I was not the only one here, in this web of need, this longing that was
gnawing at my insides…”
Khushi
frowned at him. Arnav kissed her frown away.
“Common
sense fought with my longing for you. I didn’t believe that love existed. I had
contempt for the institution of marriage. Love, if it even existed, was just a
weakness for a pretty face, a weakness that would wax and wane, and with time, cease
to exist. I had to push you out of my mind. I couldn’t eat, sleep, work in
peace. Your face as you cried in the store room, as you pulled the dupatta off
me… I couldn’t take it any more. I had to kill this madness.”
Khushi
looked at the anguish on his face.
“That is
why I invited Lavanya to stay. Such an idea had never crossed my mind before.
It was the act of a desperate man who
wanted to shield himself from you, stop himself from walking in to your house
and carrying you off…”
Arnav
kissed her fingers, and again held her hand to his heart.
“Imagine my
fury…and my delight when you turned up at my house on Di’s anniversary party.
And my helplessness when you were brought to train Lavanya… Khushi, every word
I said to you in anger, every insult I uttered… was at myself, not at you. It
was my weakness for you that made me angry. Because I couldn’t understand why I
was so…so immersed in your thoughts, in your words, in your smile…why I couldn’t
swim out of the whirlpool of your beauty, your goodness, your childishness,
your laughter… Khushi, each time I hurt you, I hurt myself more. Because seeing
the hurt on your face, the tears in your eyes killed me. Killed me, Khushi. I
couldn’t bear it. But I didn’t know why I couldn’t bear it.”
Khushi
tried very hard to keep tears from filling her eyes. His heart raced under her
palm.
“My heart
raced each time I saw you. I knew when you were entering a room even before I
saw you. I knew where you were all the time, even when I was not looking at you.
I almost stopped going to the office, just to see you, just to be with you,
just to be in the same house as you…”
A tear made
its slow way down her cheek. Arnav wiped it away with the pad of his fingers.
“Diwali
night was the pits, Khushi. The worst night of my life…and the best. I lost
control of myself. Arnav overpowered Arnav Singh Raizada, Khushi. And I almost
kissed you…”
Khushi
looked away. Arnav cupped her face and made her look at him.
Hoping to
post the next section on Friday night.
Smita,
Here is the interpretation to Section 2 of Part 7.
This update is about reason or purpose. Hence it is titled Raison d'etre.
Why have I titled it so?
It is because a person's raison d'etre is their purpose or reason for living. It's why they do things.
In French, raison d'etre literally means "reason for being," and in English it means about the same. Someone's raison d'etre is the most important thing to them.
As Arnav heard Khushi question, then what is love, he was at a loss for words to describe his notion of love. He looked at her beautiful face. Her cautious eyes, and her smiling lips were conveying two different things. Her nosepin glittered catching the stray beam that fell on it in the dim night light. Arnav opened his lips to answer her hoping the words would flow from it, for he was a man of few words. Moreover, words came to him with great difficulty and that too right words at the right time was a tough proposition. He wondered how to answer her! As Khushi reclined on her pillow, he noted that her face reflected her inner fear. He observed the fear on her face, the rapid movement of the pulse at the base of her throat, her heart beats seen by the rhythmic movements of her ribcage, her breathlessness... He saw the eagerness to hear his answer written in her eyes, so also was her fear of what his answer would be. This was his motivation. To put her mind at ease was the rationale behind him opening up to her. It was also the need for absolution in her eyes.
The words fell from his lips of their own accord. His explanation began with, when he first saw her, it touched a chord in his heart. His heart tugged at the beauty before him. His words were out of blue for Khushi and made her stare. He continued to say, that her eyes, her tremulous lips, the feel of her in his arms... were all getting stamped in his heart. Images of their meeting in Sheesh Mahal filled the air between them. Arnav disclosed that he was angry with himself for finding her attractive. He thought she was there, as a part of a plan of subversion, to spoil his event. That was the reason he was angry with her. Moreover, it was Sheesh Mahal where he had witnessed terrible tragedies in his childhood. The place itself was a mausoleum of bitter memories. When she spoke of Di's wedding getting cancelled, she had struck a raw nerve, wherefore, he had lost control as her words brought in bitter memories that he had tried to forget and had shelved in a far corner of his memory. It had added fuel to the flame. Arnav dropped a kiss on her hand and pressed it to his heart showing her how precious she was to him. He told her that all he could do, was think of her all the time and he had never undergone such feelings. Her thoughts had occupied his mind so much that it had distracted him from his work, a phenomena that he had never encountered earlier. Khushi, gently nodded trying to see from his perspective. Then, came the dargah incident. The more he tried to push her out of his mind, the more she appeared before him. He was unable to grapple with the queer behavior of his mind and his heart. Both were at loggerheads. While he was glad to see her, he was angry with himself for feeling glad. He was also angry with her for gladdening his heart with her presence. Arnav buried his lips in her palm, while it quivered in his grasp. He told her that on account of not being able to get her out of his head and could not punish himself, he did the next best he could. That was to punish her. That was the logic of his belief, that punishing her was the right thing and he had punished her. By airing the clip, his aim was to push her away. His warped sense of righteousness had not taken into consideration of its consequence on her. He never thought that it would lead to upheaval in her life. All he wanted was to retaliate at her verbosity, quelch her guts. It was to make sure that she never came anywhere around him. As Khushi looked at him he confessed, that he had got back to Delhi to work, to his family, his safe haven! He had thought that he was safe and was justified in doing so. And when she had rammed her scooter into his car he just could not believe his eyes! Again her presence had him in turmoil giving him the needed excuse to push her away.
He had tried to push her away once more and then she had turned up at his office. The more he tried to send her away by using contract, making her life impossible, the more firm were the roots of thoughts on her getting entrenched in his mind as well as his heart of which he had no inkling then. Khushi waited for him to continue. At the photoshoot, he was so captivated that he had to resort to punish both her and himself by pushing her away. And then came the night in the rain at the carpark.. He was unaware of what was happening inside him. He was feeling all crazy due to the unknown feelings that the thought of her evoked in him, that her proximity provoked him to. His whole world was being consumed by her thoughts and actions. This had never happened to him before eventhough he worked amidst beautiful women. The night at the guest house she had fainted. He had hurt her. As he stood with her lying in his arms, he could let himself look at her to his heart's content, freely, without her being aware of it. It was as if the world had been given to him and the world held just the two of them, a man and a woman, two free people, free of their pasts, free of expectations, free of the world and all its bindings. So saying, Arnav cupped her cheek, even now feeling, that in his private world that they were the only two who existed and that was what he was craving for. Moving ahead he told her that he had not wanted to take her to her Buaji's house. He had felt like taking her to a world of their own, where they could start all over with a clean slate.
Once he had opened up his heart, words came to him fast and furious, his anguish, and his panic making him cross the threshold and share his feelings with her. He stated, flying away from all the cares and be just the two, was what he could not do for he was Arnav Singh Raizada, and she was Khushi Kumari Gupta, on whom he had no claim. He gave her a glimpse of his principles. She had a family waiting for her. So the only thing that he could do was what he did. He took her to her house and laid her on her bed that had stars hanging all over from it. He had not wanted to leave her there, but he had no other option. Saying, when he was leaving, he paused. Khushi looked at him with a curiousity as to what he would tell her and when he simply said, that she had pulled him back, her eyes opened wide. He enlightened her saying, that she had her fingers curled around the lapel of his jacket, as though his feelings had felt an echo in hers, that night. He told her that she would never have the idea of how hard it was for him to leave her there. Kissing her forehead in an effort to comfort her as well as deriving comfort from it, he said that as he stood outside by the window, he had watched Buaji tender to her wounds with such loving care, making him realize that she had people who cared for her, loved her and he had left the place feeling bereft, carrying just the hurt, her broken bangle had given him, as he hurt her.
Cupping her face with his palms, he said that when she gave the resignation and left, he was extremely annoyed, as all she had shouted at him were though true, he had not wanted her to go. He had wanted her in his office for the remaining two weeks and he was looking forward to seeing her. He was beset by her thoughts at all waking hours and in dreams too, giving him no respite. And then, on Teej, she had dashed into him sprinkling him with sindoor and his eyes were glued on to her. Seeing her stand in front of him was by itself a bonanza. It was as though his secret wish had come true. Seeing her, he had fervently hoped that she would not get a rickshaw after the pooja, that would give him a chance to drop her back home. Saying, but.., he paused. Khushi felt her mouth go dry, as dry as desert dust. He carried forward his account of all his feelings saying, that evening, at the temple, he had carried her to the bench after she had swooned and revived her with water. He was unaware of her keeping the vrat. Even when she was angry with him, for breaking her fast before the pooja, he was so engrossed in watching her, having her near him, his heart had soared feeling as though it was the homing in of somebody dear to him. This feeling, of meeting after a long time sprouted in him, even though they had met that morning. If he could, he would have made the time stand still, and all he wanted was for her to faint again to enable him to carry her to a place, safe and sound with just the two of them, shutting the world out. When Lavanya forced him to give her the sweet and he saw her distress, her shock, it had given him a strange pleasure to see her upset and it was a palliative that he welcomed.. Hearing his words, Khushi dropped her chin down with utter surprise! He carried on forward saying that it meant he was not the only one engulfed by the waves of need, the longing that was gnawing inside him. Arnav kissed her frown away as soon as it made an appearance and said, that it was a fight between his common sense and belief. He had never believed that love existed and had looked at the institution of marriage with disdain. He had felt that even if love existed, it was just a weakness for a pretty face, a weakness that would waver, just like the phases of the moon, waxing and waning, and with time, cease to exist. His only solution to it as he felt was to push her out of his mind as he could not do anything in peace, be it eating, sleeping or working. Her face as she cried in the store room, as she pulled the dupatta off him kept popping up in his mind. Each and every nuance of hers was etched in his mind and was bombarding him with images relentlessly. It was too much for him to bear and he felt that he needed to get out of this madness. Khushi could see the trauma on his face as he said that was the reason for him to invite Lavanya to stay. It had never crossed his mind before and bringing her into his house was the act of a desperate man who was drowning in a maelstrom of emotions that were impelling him with their magnetic pull. It was the act to get a hold on himself to stop himself from crossing his limits with her. It was the act to anchor himself away from the shore that was Khushi. As he said these words, he kissed her fingers that were in his warm clasp and held her hand to his heart.
Khushi was taken aback by his next set of words! He asked her to imagine his dilemma while he felt furious and delight as she turned up at his house on Di's anniversary party, his feelings of happiness, helplessness and resentment when she was brought in to train Lavanya. He admitted to Khushi his flawed thinking, like a wild thing suddenly aware that it was caged, had responded to the situation by resorting to anger and insults. All those were infact a pretext to cover his feelings for her. They were not meant for her, but were for him. He defended that his anger was directed at his weakness for her. He had not understood why it had been so. He could not comprehend why he was so immersed in her thoughts, in her words, in her smile. He had wondered why he could not swim out of the whirlpool of her beauty, her goodness, her childishness, her laughter' Each time he had hurt her, he hurt himself more. Seeing the hurt on her face, had seared his heart, the tears in her eyes had scalded him, it had killed him. He could not bear it. But he did not understand why he could not bear it.
Khushi had a difficult time to maintain her semblance of normality. She tried to keep tears from pooling in her eyes. She could feel his heart race under her palm. He forged ahead saying, that his heart raced each time he saw her. He could sense her presence in the room even before he saw her. He was aware where she was all the time, even when he was not looking at her. He had almost stopped going to the office, just to see her, be with her, be in the same house as her. His words broke into her resolve and slowly a tear glistening like a pearl drop made its way down her cheek. Arnav wiped it away with the pad of his thumb. It was an argument that touched her heart. He said, Diwali night marked the very nadir point, the worst night of his life as well as the best. He had lost control of himself, with Arnav overpowering Arnav Singh Raizada, he had almost kissed her. His confirmation of the fact that she had always known had her look away. Arnav cupping her face made her look at him.
In this update we see Arnav trying to justify his actions by first owning up that he did wrong by her, but he had certain basis at that point of time, to justify that he was on right path. It was coloured by his past that has haunted him. His faith in the fellow beings had been shaken to the core. So all he could do was protect himself from any pain and when he saw Khushi who could get under his skin and had easily penetrated his defences, he could not understand why he felt so with her, for her, and by her presence. It was an enigma. He was not a man who would let things take their own course, but the one who took the bull by its horns. But the difference was, he let anger and other emotions overrule his innate sense of righteousness that led him to make judgement taking only his feelings into consideration. In the bargain, more often than not, Khushi was the target and was cut to the quick. His inadequacy at dealing with his own feelings had targeted her. As he had thought he was the man who could only take right decisions, he had not paused to question the rationale behind his deeds. Every time he had seen her it was affirmed, that his leaning towards her was not mere attraction but had gone further ahead. But he was one scared man. The ASR in him dealt with cold facts without any emotional attachment, where as Arnav in him gave into emotions. ASR was his mask that was placed to protect Arnav from the emotional trauma after the childhood debacle. It had been ASR who always dealt with the world and Arnav was known to a very chosen few. It predominantly came out for his Di. On Diwali night just for a few minutes it had slipped out but soon ASR had overpowered. That was also one of the best times as well as the worst, for both Khushi and Arnav. With Arnav in the fore there was hope for them but with ASR in control it was nothing but pain and void for both. ASR in him was justifying separation as the reason for living while Arnav, when glimpsed was for togetherness.
That is why this is titled Raison d'etre.
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"
~Henry Ellis
That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.
Part 7: day
7: Section 3
“My father
fell prey to some pretty face and forgot his wife and children, Khushi. My
mother committed suicide because of him. He killed himself out of his guilt.
Di’s wedding got cancelled, and we became homeless…” Arnav sighed, his eyes
seeing the scenes from his past, his simple words conveying a world of loss.
Khushi shut
her eyes tight and tears flowed down her cheeks in an unending stream.
“I was
determined not to follow his footsteps, Khushi. I am my mother’s son, not my
father’s, Khushi. I am not weak like him.” Arnav looked deep in to Khushi’s wet
eyes. “I was determined to prove this to myself and the world, to my family
that expected me to be like him… I gave up his name, Khushi, to keep him away
from me, to grow up as different from him as possible…and feeling my heart beat
for a girl was not in my schedule, my plan for my future…”
Khushi
looked down. Arnav cupped her face to make her look at him.
“But when I
saw you, sitting in the circle of diyas, dressed in a red sari, looking like a
princess, I lost my heart. The heart I didn’t know I had.” he confessed in a
low tone.
Khushi drew
in a deep shuddering breath.
“My locker
was filled with your things…” he said slowly.
Khushi
looked at him.
“It still
is…the pearls from your dress I had torn that night at Sheesh Mahal…they had
found their way in to my coat pocket just as you had barged in to my heart,
Khushi. I have it safe in my locker.”
Khushi
gaped at him.
“The piece
of dupatta that had stuck to my rearview glass, your broken chudi, your payal,
my hanky stained with your blood after I cleaned your finger at the temple…I
still have these…” Arnav ran a gentle
finger down her ashen, wet cheek.
“I came to
return your payal to you. I hadn’t known that it was your Amma’s, that it meant
so much to you…” Arnav began.
Khushi
looked at Arnav.
“You
sprained your ankle and I set it right. I…I couldn’t go away…from you…without
answering the silent question in your eyes. You wanted to know why I had kept
the payal safe with me, and I wanted to tell you…It was a magical night,
Khushi. I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame, Khushi. I was so caught up
in my feelings that I never spared a thought about what I was doing, the
ramifications, the future… The innocence in your eyes, the unwilling attraction
to me that you couldn’t hide, your response to my touch that you couldn’t
control…it was like your eyes were beckoning me…”
Khushi saw
the Diwali night before her eyes.
“I was
about to kiss you, I was so eager to kiss you… Aman’s call was a wake-up call,
Khushi. Arnav Singh Raizada couldn’t believe that he had lost his self-control.
That he had been about to reveal his weakness to the girl who had been
undermining his self-control for the past few months. That he had been about to
give in to his weakness, like his father. Arnav Singh Raizada could not have
that happen! You had no place in his life. No girl had any place in his life.
You had to be pushed out at the earliest, in the most effective manner. Because
you mattered to him. Because you got under his skin. Because one look from your
eyes could make him forget himself and his past. He couldn’t have that happen,
Khushi. What would ASR be if he forgot his past, if he gave in to his
attraction for you? A weakling like his father… Everything he had worked
towards in the past decade would mean nothing, would crumble to ashes if he
gave in to his attraction for you… And where would that leave ASR? No where.
Right where he began his fight. Without his armour, without his shield, without
his arrogance, without his ego… And without all of them, ASR would be lost for
ever. He would stop existing, Khushi. What would Arnav do without ASR’s mask,
Khushi? He would be hurt, tricked, cheated, trampled upon…his heart stabbed by
betrayal, by loss… he would be weak, vulnerable… So you had to go. Out of ASR’s
life. Out of RM. Out of his mind, his dreams, his heart. ASR had to throw you
out to survive. And ASR did it…”
Khushi
looked away. Arnav lifted her face, his fingers beneath her chin, to look in to
his eyes. Khushi could not meet his gaze, the miasma of their pain filling the
air with a funereal pall.
“I tried to
pluck you from my heart and throw you out, Khushi. You cried. You asked
questions for which I had no answer. You fought for our love. I fought to deny
it. You knew, Khushi. You knew that something momentous was happening between
us…even in your innocence you knew it. I knew it too. Even in my ignorance of
what love was all about, I knew it. But I had to push you away to save my
sanity, to survive...”
Arnav
pulled Khushi in to his arms, holding her tight against his heart.
“I will
never forget the look in your eyes, Khushi, as I told everyone that I was
wiling to marry Lavanya. Never. Not as long as I live. I hurt you, Khushi. And
each tear of yours fell like acid on my heart, Khushi. I am sorry, Khushi, so
so sorry…”
Khushi
remained silent, her wet face against his, her arms around his shoulders.
“But worse
was yet to come. Your smile, your wishes, your sweets… and the smile on your
face as you congratulated me in the car that night. Khushi…I… the cruel words I
spoke that night at your doorstep…I am so sorry, Khushi…I didn’t want you to
return to RM. The words were a warning to me, reminding me of how uncharacteristic
my actions were, how susceptible I was to you… Khushi, the problem was never
you. It was always me. Only me.”
Khushi
moved away from his embrace, leaning back against the pillows. She wiped her
face dry with her fingers, and looked at him.
“If I hurt
you on Diwali night, Khushi, I hurt myself more. Because there was no way you
were going out of my head. I spent all 24 hours thinking of you, worrying about
you. Every time anyone spoke your name in this house, I went ballistic. And
watching you leave after Di and the others bid farewell to you, I had an
inkling of what I was losing. You returned the mannat ki chabi to me, and I
followed you to the temple to bandage your hand. When I saw the wary look in
your eyes as you saw me, I almost died, Khushi. Because you were trying to push
me away, push me out of your heart just as I did, so that you could survive.”
Khushi
swallowed hard.
“When you
stopped me from tending to your wound, I…I couldn’t bear it, Khushi. How could
you stop me from touching you, when I had been touching you whenever I wanted,
where ever I wanted, for months? When you were mine, only mine?”
She looked
in to his hurt-filled eyes.
“Everything
that I said that day in the temple, about making my own destiny, about writing
my own fate…was meant to remind me of my past, how far I had come from being a
helpless teenager, unable to stop his mother from killing herself, or his
father from following her to the pyre…”
He caught
Khushi’s hand and pressed her fingers gently, looking at the finger that he had
bandaged.
“When you
pulled your hand away as I tried to make you wear the ring, and said that it
was your engagement ring…Khushi, I died. Khushi, that moment… I had been trying
to push you away from me, hide behind Lavanya who was a friend and never a
threat to my heart …and at that moment, I realised that you had put yourself
out of my life, my orbit, let someone else in to your life… My folly hit me
hard, but when you asked me why it meant so much to me, I couldn’t find the
words. I stopped at farak padta he kyunki…because I didn’t know farak kyon pad
raha tha. I just knew that it mattered more to me than my life.” His voice was
low, tired…
Arnav
leaned against Khushi, lying against her, his face buried in her chest. His
arms came around her, taking and giving succour. Khushi’s arms came around him,
slowly pulling him more firmly in to her hold.
He
whispered against her, his weary breath causing the dupatta to move slightly in
the force of his exhalation.
“From then on, it was an uphill battle. Trying to
get back the girl I had lost through my stupidity. And Lavanya was shopping for
wedding clothes and discussing cruises for a honeymoon and my family was
turning every moment in to high drama.” He sighed. “I couldn’t even think
straight. I wanted you to admit that I mattered to you, that your fiance
didn’t. I wanted you to throw the ring at his face. I wanted you to come back
to me. But what I would do if you came back to me, I didn’t know. I was incapable
of thinking beyond getting you back. I was abusive, cutting, hurtful…my pain
making me lash out at you for getting engaged after I had literally pushed you
in to another man’s arms…”
He snuggled
in to her softness, weary beyond words.
“I am
sorry, Khushi…so…so…sorry… And when you went missing after crying on my
shoulder, I almost had a heart attack, Khushi. I panicked. I called you, many
times. And when you answered my call, I shouted at you. There was a storm in my
chest, Khushi. One I couldn’t control. Maybe my weird behaviour told Lavanya that
I loved you. She knew long before I did. We decided not to get engaged. I felt
terrible for hurting her, but greater than that was relief. Relief that I was
not committed to a person I didn’t want to be committed to. Relief that I had
pulled back from the brink of a mistake that would have made every one unhappy
in the long run…” his words slurred.
Khushi sat
silent, holding him safe in her arms. He burrowed further in to her warmth.
“I opened the
door, and there you were, all dressed up for your Jiji & Akash and my &
Lavanya’s engagement. Ready to dance the night away, a bright smile on your
face. Standing there, holding a gift in your hand, for me & Lavanya. I…I
almost fell to my knees, Khushi, seeing the total lack of malice or self-pity
in your eyes. You were genuinely happy that Lavanya was getting what she wanted
and I was getting what I had said I wanted…”
Khushi
swallowed through a dry throat, reliving the painful times.
“And you
danced at what you thought was my sagai, smiling all the while…How could you,
Khushi? How could you…?” He lifted his eyes to look in to hers, his head still
resting against her bosom.
Khushi shut
her eyes and leaned back against her pillow. Arnav buried his face against her
again.
“You
scolded me for breaking Lavanya’s heart, and inadvertently let me know that
your sagai was broken…Khushi, the relief of it…Khushi, I can’t tell you…Khushi…I
am so sorry…so sorry…so sorry…” His voice died away as he fell into deep sleep.
Smita,
Here is the interpretation to Section 3 of Part 7.
This update is an acknowledgement of error or guilt, MEA CULPA.
What is mea culpa?
Mea culpa is a Latin phrase that translates into English as "my mistake", "my fault", or in a more modern slang-tilted tone, it can even mean "my bad".
The origin of the expression is from a prayer of confession of sinfulness used in the Mass of the Roman Catholic Church known as Confiteor.
In the popular vernacular, the expression mea culpa is an admission of having made a mistake by one's own fault, one that could have been avoided if the person had been more diligent. When a person admitted to his mistake, which he could have avoided (at least in theory), and that resulted in a subsequent evil, it may be called mea culpa.
Arnav cupping Khushi's face and making her look at him, heaved a weary sigh when he told her that his father being a weak person, fell prey to a pretty woman and forgot his wife and kids. His mother had taken out her life all because of him and he had killed himself out of his guilt. Di's wedding had got cancelled and they were rendered without a roof on their head. Arnav relived his past, replaying the scenes in his mind. Though his words were simple they had painted his pain and admitted the deep sense of loss he felt. Khushi shut her eyes as tears that had trickled, now flowed down her cheeks like torrential rains. Arnav looking at her wet face told her, that he was determined not to follow his footsteps, for he was his mother's son, not his father's. He was not a weakling like him. He was determined to prove this to himself and the world, to his family that expected him to be like his father. He acknowledged that he had loathed his father so much that he had given up his name, to keep even his shadow at bay, to grow up as different from him as possible and feeling his heart beat for a girl was not in his agenda, it was not a part of his plan for his future. His words made Khushi look down and Arnav cupped her face to make her look at him. In a low tone, he admitted the regret he felt for subjecting her to all the humiliation he had heaped. All the while what he really felt was way too different from what he had doled out to her, and he confessed, that seeing her sitting amidst the circle of diyas, in a red saree, looking like a princess with a soft golden glow, he had lost his heart. His defense, that he had never known that he would feel his heart beat for somebody else other than him, had Khushi draw in a deep trembling breath. He tried to redress, by substantiating his words saying, that his locker was filled with her keepsakes. He still has her pearls from the dress he had ripped off at Sheesh Mahal, as he had found, they had made themselves comfortable in his coat pocket, just the way she had chimed into his heart. Hearing his words, Khushi gaped at him. He continued saying, the piece of dupatta that had stuck to his rear view glass, her broken bangle, her anklet, his blood stained handkerchief used for cleaning the cut on her finger at the temple, all were safe and sound in his locker. All these were the relics he treasured the most.
Arnav, running a gentle finger down her ashen wet cheek told her, that in reparation, he had come to return her anklet to her, once he came to know that it was a treasured piece of her's, her Amma's, that made her feel her Amma's presence with her. She had sprained her ankle and he had set it right. He could not go away from her without giving her the answers, the silent query that her eyes were seeking. She had wanted to know why he was in possession of her payal, and he had wanted to tell her. It was an enchanted evening. He had been drawn to her, like a moth to a flame, He was so caught up in his own feelings that he had never even spared a thought about what he was doing, the implication of his actions, its impact on the future. The innocence in her eyes, the reluctant attraction to him that she could not hide, her response to his touch that was involuntary, all added to the allure. He explained that her eyes were an open book of her emotions and it was as though they were beckoning him.
His words made her relive the Diwali night. Their minds rested upon the thought, as chasing butterflies might rest together on a flower. He confessed, when he was about to kiss her for which he was very much eager to, Aman's call was a dampener but was also a wake-up call. It was a rude awakening for Arnav Singh Raizada! He could not believe that he had lost his self-control. He was incredulous that he had been about to reveal his weakness to the girl who had been undermining his self-control for the past few months. He was filled with disbelief that he had been about to give in to his weakness, just like his father. Arnav Singh Raizada could not let that happen! As an offer of extenuation and explanation to himself, he had decided that she who was able to get under his skin had no place in his life. For that matter, no girl had any place in his life. She had to be shunted out quickly and effectively. But she mattered to him very much, as she was able to reach where no one else had been able to, as her dazzling eyes could make him drown in its liquid brilliancy like a deep ocean where underneath, her trembling emotions would make him forget himself and his past. How could he let that happen! How could ASR forget his past and yield to this attraction for her? What would he be then? A weakling! A clone of his father! That meant he would be everything that he had strived himself not to be! At one fell swoop his efforts of the past decade would come to a naught if he gave in to his attraction for her. His plea was, it meant ASR would come apart at seams and would be in the very centre of all that he abhorred, laid bare. He would be right where he started, without the benefit of his arrogance as his armour, without his ego as his shield. And without these ASR was nothing and would have gone into oblivion. He asked Khushi, what Arnav would have done without the backing of the ASR mask that had become his spine, that held him ramrod straight to face the world? He would have been hurt, tricked, cheated, trampled upon, his heart knifed by betrayal, by loss. He would have been weak, vulnerable and a relatively soft target. In his guilt, he acknowledged, by thinking, it would have opened his chest, opened up his heart and it meant that she could get inside him and mess him up. So the only viable solution was to oust her out of ASR's life, out of RM, out of his mind, his dreams, his heart. That was the only thing that would have helped him to survive and that was what ASR did.
His words, penetrated her like nothing else could. It made her relive the pain. So she did what she was adept at doing. She hid it by averting her eyes from his range of vision as Khushi could not meet his gaze for the black miasma of their despair was coiling around them. Without giving himself any concession, he pushed himself to continue saying, that he tried his level best to pluck her out from his heart and his orbit. She had cried, asking him the questions for which he was unable to give any answers. While she stood steadfastly rooting for their love and fought tooth and nail to keep it alive, he had fought to deny it and squelch it at all possible times and in all possible ways. Arnav acknowledged that she knew, she was perceptive enough to know that they were in the middle of something momentous that was experienced by just a blessed few. Even in her innocence she knew it and loving deeply she had the courage to stand by it, whereas even in ignorance knowing what love was all about, he had to shunt her out to save his sanity, to survive. Arnav gathered Khushi in his arms nestling her against his heart while his arms wound around her.
He told her that, the look she had in her eyes, tear filled with surging pain, betrayal, and browbeaten, as he announced his intention to get betrothed to Lavanya, has been etched in his mind. It was like making her have a real giddy horror of stars and seas, like a man has on the edge of a hopelessly high precipice, throwing her into a a deep abyss that would envelop all around in darkness, He admitted that her vulnerable look, had him writhing and scorched him intensely like a steady flame. He will never forget it till his last breath. He had hurt her immensely and each of her tear was like a drop of molten lead, burning a passage to his heart with its downpour. So saying, he uttered his heartfelt apology, saying that he was extremely sorry. But Khushi was silent, as silent as a flame that fails. She had her wet face against his and had looped her arms around his neck. Keeping on his narration, Arnav conceeded, that was not the worst. Worst was yet to come. That night regaining her composure she had smiled, had wished, distributed sweets and had a smile on her face as she congratulated him in the car. All these had struck a raw nerve, though he had portrayed as though he could not give a hoot. He was all worked up, so much so, that in a fit of pique, he had uttered the cruel words that night at her doorstep. He regretted going off the deep end very much. He had not wanted her to return to RM. He explained that the words were infact a warning to him, reminding him of how uncharacteristic his actions were, how susceptible he was to her. Arnav said, the problem was never her. It was always him and only him.
Khushi moving away from his embrace and rested her back against the pillows. Brushing her tears aside with her fingers, she looked at him. He admitted to her, that if on Diwali night he had hurt her he had hurt himself much more. He had not been able to put her out of his mind, thinking of her, worrying about her throughout the day and night. It was like a bee in the bonnet. Everytime anyone uttered her name, it was like a red flag to a bull and he would go ballistic. And watching her leave after Di and the others bid farewell to her, he had an inkling of what he was losing. She returned the mannat ki chabi to him, and he followed her to the temple to bandage her finger. When he saw the guarded look in her eyes as she saw him, he almost died, as though he was knifed and it was being slowly twisted inside him! It hurt badly as she was trying to push him away, push him out of her heart just as he did, so that she could survive. His admission and perception made her throat constrict.
Arnav knowing his words were essential to clear the air, eventhough it was causing both immense pain, eventhough she looked at him with hurtful eyes, he persisted and said, that when she stopped him from tending to her wound, he could not bear it. How could she stop him from touching her, when he had been touching her whenever he wanted, where ever he wanted, for months? When she was his and only his? He admitted that everything that he had said that day in the temple, about making his own destiny, about writing his own fate were meant to remind him of his past, how far he had come from being a helpless teenager, unable to stop his mother from killing herself, or his father from following her to the pyre. He caught Khushi's hand and pressed her fingers gently, looking at the finger that he had bandaged.
When she had pulled her hand away as he tried to make her wear the ring, saying that it was her engagement ring, a part of him had died. At that moment, getting wise after the event, he realized eventhough he had been trying to push her away from him by hiding behind Lavanya who was a friend and never a threat to his heart, she had put herself out of his life, his reach, his orbit just as he had shown he wanted to happen and had let someone else in to her life. Though it was justified, the folly of his action hit him so hard that he realized what a blunder, a blunder of Himalayan proportion it was! When she queried, why it meant so much to him, he could not find the words. He had stopped at farak padta he kyunki... why it made a difference, because he himself did not know farak kyon pad raha tha... why it was making a difference. He just knew that it mattered more to him than his very own life. His voice was slowly getting low and tired.
As Arnav leaned against Khushi, lying against her, burrowing his face in her chest, his arms collected her close, taking and giving succour. Khushi too wound her arms around him, slowly pulling him more firmly in to her hold. As he whispered against her, his weary breath caused the dupatta to flutter gently. He continued to tell that from then on, it was an uphill task. Trying to get back his girl, the girl he had lost through his sheer stupidity, was no mean task. While Lavanya was shopping for her trousseau and discussing cruises for honeymoon and his family who were as pleased as punch had been turning every moment in to a high drama, he said, he could not even think straight. He had wanted her to admit, as him being the one who mattered to her and not her fianc. He wanted her to toss out the ring and return in to his arms. He wanted her to come back to him but he was not sure what he would do if she came back to him! His mind had blocked out from thinking over this. All he knew was, he wanted her back with him. He was abusive, cutting, scathing, hurtful in his pain. As though it was a vindication, he had lashed out at her for getting engaged after he himself had shoved her into another man's arms. So saying, feeling distraught, he snuggled in to her softness, weary beyond words.
He sought her forgiveness and said that an unforeseen case of heebie jeebies hit him as she went missing after crying on his shoulder. He was like a cat on hot bricks. Panicking, he had called her several times before the call was received. With the storm that was brewing inside him gathering forces with every passing second, having been driven up the wall by her unanswered calls, he gave vent to his spleens when she picked her phone. Giving her a tongue lashing was what he could only do, as he was at his tethers end unable to do anything, feeling helpless and above all it was his own doing that had bound him in shackles! He explained that the ripple effect of his behavior might have been Lavanya sensing that he had loved Khushi and not her and led to not get engaged. Leading on Lavanya, having her float on cloud nine with his impromptu announcement of getting engaged and then, leaving her with a heartache of knowing she was not the one he loved, was the price he had made Lavanya pay for falling for him and the price he had to pay of hurting a good friend, by withdrawing after showing her the carrots, was feeling like a cad for hurting her. Though he had felt that he hurt Lavanya immensely, the relief he felt overweighed the prick on his conscience! He justified his action saying it was a relief that he was not committed to a person he did not want to be committed to, relief that he had pulled back from the brink of a mistake that would have made every one unhappy in the long run. As he narrated sleep, slurred his words.
Khushi sat silent, holding him safe in her arms, as he burrowed further in to her warmth. He recalled that as he opened the door, she was there, all dressed up for her Jiji and Akash, and also for his and Lavanya's engagement. She was looking all set to dance the night away sporting a bright smile on her face. Seeing her standing there, holding a gift in her hand, for him and Lavanya, it had pierced his heart and brought him down to his knees, at the total lack of malice or even an iota of self-pity in her eyes. She was genuinely happy that Lavanya was getting what she wanted and he was getting what he had said he wanted. Khushi swallowed through a dry throat, reliving the painful times. Though it was painful he stuck on course and said, she had danced at what she had thought was his sagai, with her smile intact all the while. How could she, was his poser at her enigmatic behavior. Lifting his eyes to peer in to hers, his head still resting against her bosom he said, he just could not fathom how she could do so. Khushi shut her eyes hit by the waves of pain that engulfed her and leaned back against her pillow. Arnav, seeking her warmth nuzzled his face against her once again. He kept on pouring his thoughts saying, she had chided him for breaking Lavanya's heart, and inadvertently let him know that her sagai was broken. The relief had rushed over in palpable waves. Reliving the moment and drowning himself in the misery, confessing his faults, his words were slurring with sleep as well as remorse, when he said, Khushi, I can't tell you... Khushi... I am so sorry... so sorry... so sorry... lo siento muchos, I am very sorry. It was a penitent voice that was acknowledging the guilt and seeking her forgiveness. His voice died away as he was lulled into a few hours of kip, from the relief and the sense of feeling of being at home in the warmth of her arms.
As Arnav Singh Raizada admitted to his mistake, which he could have avoided, the one that resulted in a subsequent evil, a ripple effect of his deeds, it may be called mea culpa.
"Each memory rips through me, and although I stow myself against the emotions, I can't prevent the pain that accompanies each image. Pain for a love never acknowledged, pain for a friendship now gone. Pain for a loss I can't possibly endure"
~ Christine Fonseca, Mea Culpa
That is why it is titled MEA CULPA, the
guilt acknowledgement.That's it from me. Hope you enjoy it.
Loved it Smita!
ReplyDeleteVery melodious and picturization very apt too.
Thank u, sweetheart. This is a spoiler for the story..ha.ha..
DeleteKhushi has concealed her shattered dream of meeting her prince charming, of true love, of having a fairy-tale wedding, of a happily ever-after in her heart...and entitled it "just wishful thinking'.
ReplyDeleteWhilst her love has been successfully coercing Arnav's frozen heart to beat again, his fury, his feigned hatred, verbal insults, his lack of faith has been inciting her to question her own notion of love.
Waiting for Arnavji's rendition of the feeling of LOVE.
Brilliant reading of the pair's feelings!
DeleteThe man who went around bragging about being the master of his own destiny, confessed that he eventually succumbed to the torrent of feelings generated in him by a chit of a girl. A cynic in matters of the heart, a non-beleiver in the sanctity of marriage, was rendered powerless by her mischievous doe eyes, her innocence and her selflessness. He was marked as hers the moment she had fallen into his arms. Arnav's explanation so far makes Khushi aware that he too is engulfed in the same fire that has been consuming her. But Khushi is still waiting for him to elucidate the meaning of love...
ReplyDeleteLet's see what Arnav Babua has to say. Will he succeed in making Khushi understand what she means to him? Will post next part tonight.
Deletesmita arnavinu khushi odulla sneham enthumathramanu alle. njan ipk aadyamudhal kandillayirunnu pinnedanu episodes watch cheyan thudangiyathu ippozhanu manasilayathu avan enthu kondanu khushine hurt cheiyunnathenu. thank u so much . alla aduthathu post cheyunnathu ennanu.
ReplyDeleteSo Lovely Smitha, describing what he did Vs what he felt was probably the best way out for him. In the process, he is laying his heart out to Khushi. I am sure Khushi will understand him better this time.
ReplyDeleteMost of the time, he had no idea why he was doing the things he was doing. We had no idea. Khushi had absolutely no idea..ha..ha..
DeleteArnav attempts to explain the reasons behind his fake hatred and cold indifference...how and why he couldn't let Arnav peek through the mask of ASR. Driven by emotional exhaustion he falls asleep in Khushi's arms..Ha Ha. Reminds me of how annoyed he used get when she used to flee from him without fully hearing him out. Here she is calmly lending an ear to his justifications and he drifts off !!
ReplyDeleteHowever will he ever be able to justify the distrust, the blackmail, the sham of a marriage and will she ever overlook all this torment and begin to apprehend what she really means to him... ?
Dekhte he!
DeleteSmita, wow. I don't remember you ever allowing him to lay himself bare so clearly. Explain each and every moment, and make her see his action from his point of view, to make sure that she understood that everything involved in bringing them to this point was all his-doing, and had nothing to do with her. A whole new take on explaining to her why she is perfect and all she believes is correct regardless of what she has begun to believe because of where she is at. Absolutely stunning. I can't wait for the adaptation, and then her response. Update soon, love, you are my break in exams. Addictive breaks. Brilliant, as always. Everything so clear, painfully wide open. He let it all out, finally understanding that he wouldn't gain anything by not telling her. The worst that could happen is that she would leave him, and since he can't live without her, baring his soul was non-negotiable.
ReplyDeleteHe has everything to lose if he remains silent. That realisation has made Arnav open his heart to her. Let's see what happens.
Delete